


Shadows of Ourselves

by Terminality



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, Humanstuck, M/M, Post-Sburb
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-12-23
Updated: 2012-06-14
Packaged: 2017-10-27 23:03:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 40,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/301016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Terminality/pseuds/Terminality
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Game is over. You've won.</p><p>But it was a long, hard, painful victory, and the rewards have a catch, and you're all a little broken. But you'll stick together anyway because that's just what you do. You help each other cope and somehow in the end you'll make it through.</p><p>((Humanstuck AU: Mainly Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas. Dave second-person POV. Post-Sburb.))</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. with a whimper

**Author's Note:**

> Phew! This is the first fanfiction I've written and posted in probably close to four years and the first Homestuck I've ever written. Karkat and Dave as characters really stand out to me and I wanted to explore the dynamic of what it means to be the Knight and what it means for the Trolls that their world is gone in a dead session. Dave and Karkat had similar roles and experiences and I really like the idea of them using these similarities in personality and role to help each other cope. Also I just have a huge soft spot for Humanstuck AU, what can I say.

You've won. The game is over and finally won and you're standing in somewhere you've never seen before, thick blackness reaching out in every direction. You're suspended somewhere outside of space and time and that lack hurts, deep down in your chest, because without time what are you?

You have your arm around Karkat's chest and it takes both of your combined willpower to hold yourselves up. His breath is a shallow, wet, rasping sound in your ear and you haven't stopped talking to him since you both ended your fight, muttering and yelling nonsense in his direction. _Don't you fucking die, Vantas. You'd better not fucking give up. You're stronger than that._

 _Don't fucking leave me alone here._

He laughs a little every time, but he's still standing, still holding himself together - literally, in some places - and so you keep running your mouth because it's all you've ever really been good at and it's all you know how to do. Every once in a while he groans in pain and you spare a glance in his direction and like every time your breath catches in your throat because he is so far gone its a fucking miracle he's still alive. The hand that's not around your shoulders is clutching at his chest, trying to stop the steady pulse of bright, candy red blood that is oozing out of him with every heartbeat. His hair is ragged, one eye is glued shut with dried blood that you can't even tell the origin of, and his right leg is damn near useless it's such a mangled mess of blood and bone and muscle.

And he's fucking grinning, sharp little teeth poking out over his thin, dried lips, blood seeping down the corner of his mouth and disappearing into the top of his shirt.

"Now what?" He says, and you have no idea, because you're outside of your element now and you ache all over and all you know is that you need to keep going forward in this vast nothingness because that's just what feels right.

"Now we wait for John and Jade to do their part," you say, and he nods and coughs up a splatter of blood. Your chest aches at that because you're not sure how much longer your words and support can keep him alive and if he dies now then the whole thing is fucking wasted. You pull him closer against you anyway, tighten your grip on his waist and keep edging him forward, and you pray to John and Jade and Rose that they hurry up.

You don't even know what they're doing. You were the Knight, you knew your role well enough but that's all you really know. It was your job to stand in the thick of it all and fight. You're a human wrecking crew, and you know it, and Karkat knows it, and that's why you're both here, bleeding and broken because that's just what your class does. You get the shit beat out of you so everyone else can stand a chance.

But he wasn't God Tier. He wasn't ready for this shit, and you tried so fucking hard to help him the whole time but you couldn't be everywhere at once in this place and you want to scream in frustration because a part of you thinks it'll be entirely your fault if he dies now.

He staggers and if you weren't holding him he'd be down for the count.

"Can't," he groans and chokes somehow all at once and you turn to face him and loop both arms around his back and pull him close to you. His head flops onto your shoulder and his arms are loose on your neck. You can feel blood seep from his chest to your shirt and you don't give a fuck that your whole outfit is going to be ruined in candy red blood.

"Come on, Karkles, get your act together," you say in his ear, and he feels so fucking cold in your grasp and oh god _don't fucking die you asshole_. "You're not that weak and I know it, I saw you back there. You're a damn good Knight and we're both going to get out of this because us fuckups need a second chance to fix the shit we broke." You're spewing nonsense, trying to sound tough and keep your coolkid facade going for normallacy's sake, but your voice cracks halfway through and you just sound desperate and kind of scared. Because that's what you are: a scared kid watching his friend bleed to death in his arms.

"Dave," he says, and that scares you more because he never says your name. You open your mouth to respond, to tell him to shut the fuck up for once and try to focus on not dying, but all the sudden you're getting the air forcibly ripped out of your lungs and he gasps a hard, wet squelching noise and the whole world is being turned upsidedown and bathed in blinding white light.

You think you pass out for a second, because when you next open your eyes all you can see is pearly iridescence in every direction and you're now lying flat on your back. It takes you approximately three seconds before you remember Karkat and you bolt upright, hand blindly reaching out beside you until it connects with Karkat's hand at your side. You immediatley shove your fingers in his sleeve and feel for the faintest of pulses in his wrist and you let out of strangled noise somewhere between a gasp and a sob when you find it's still barely there under his cool skin.

You scramble closer to him to pull him into your arms again because this is your fucking job, keeping him alive is the only thing you have left at this moment and you don't even hear Jade and Rose yelling your name or see them coming until they're almost on top of you. They stop when they see Karkat, though, his broken and bleeding body lying half on your lap and you touching his face and trying to get him to wake up because sleeping is _not_ what he needs to do right now, sleeping is the enemy, and you tell him that in not so kind words over and over again.

Jade drops to her knees next to you and throws her arms around you and she's crying at the sight the two of you must make, two boys sitting on the floor bleeding out of a hundred different places.

"Dave, you guys did it, you did really really good and now everyone is being brought here so we can start over. We get a new world, we get everything back, we get a new home, Dave," she says, and she stops hugging you to look over at Karkat and that makes her cry even harder. That sound makes your heart hurt, and if you weren't trying so frantically to keep Karkat's blood in his chest and wake his stupid ass up you would hug her back, hold her close and tell her she did good, too, because she really did.

When Karkat's eyes start to flutter open it's a fucking miracle and you want to jump up and sing praises to whatever god decided you weren't a completely useless waste of fucking space and deserved to have at least one small victory.

You hear a sound like a loud pop and a gasp of breath that signals someone else popping into existence in this white hellhole you're now in. You glance over your shoulder and see John choking for air and sprawled on the floor, Terezi clutching to his arm so desperately you'd think she was going to rip it off. She moans and loosens her grip so she can sit up, but she pulls John up next to her as soon as she does, putting a thin arm around his shoulders in something akin to a hug.

John sees the group of you almost instantly and yells "hey, guys!" at the same time Terezi catches a whiff of Karkat's thick blood and screams. She's on her feet and sprinting at full force toward you when there's another loud pop and another lump of people appears on the ground with a groan. She swerves past them - damn she's good at getting around - and comes to a skidding hault beside you.

"He's not..." she says, and she trails off because it's a thought she probably doesn't want to finish, and you tell her no, stubbon bastard is still hanging on (but barely, which you don't include because you don't want her to know just how fucked up you both are).

"You're hurt, too," Terezi says, matter of factly, and she kneels down at your other side and on any other day you'd be thrilled to be surrounded by chicks with a guy lying in your lap. As it is now, though, you sort of wish this were a goddamn dream you would wake up from already.

Rose shifts her weight and looks over this time to see who the newest additions are - a huddle comprised of Kanaya and a groaning Gamzee - when there's a final loud snap and Aradia and not-quite-a-ghost-Sollux appear in a heap somewhere near you. You have all of five seconds to process this before the blinding light of the room starts to increase and you wish your shades hadn't broken halfway through the fight. It gets so bright that you can't even see Karkat's face in your lap but that doesn't matter all of a sudden because you realize you can't breath and it feels like someone is ripping out your insides and trying to put them back in in the completely wrong order.

You gasp and clutch at your chest and try to yell, but your instincts and years of training with Bro tell you to chill the fuck out. You try to steady your breathing and deal with the pain, like you've always been taught, but your composure is so fucking shot by the events of the past few hours and it just hurts so bad that all you can muster is not yelling and instead sitting there crying like a little girl or something.

Somewhere in front of you a deep, grumbling growl starts before quickly transforming into the most heart-wrenching, inside-liquifying howl of pain that you've ever heard in your life. Somewhere in the back of your pain-addled brain you register the sound as Karkat's voice. You try to say something to him but no words come out and all you can hear is that fucking _howling_ and your head feels like it's going to explode and the tears are actually falling down your face without any restraint now. You think you both must be dying, that the game is ripping you out of existence because you were both such huge fuckups that there's no place left in this world for either of you.

You wonder if everyone else feels this intense pain, wonder why the only other person you can hear besides what you've identified as your own high-pitched whining is Karkat and his fucking howl. You want to throw up because the combination of sounds and sensations is just so much, and you do gag, but nothing comes out, you just sort of dry heave for a while before your vision starts to fade out and you think "fuck, we really are dying" before blinding whiteness is immediately replaced with nothing.


	2. nothing but a shadowman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title pretty obviously based on K's Choice's "Shadowman," which has sort of become a theme song to this while I am writing it.

When you wake up and your eyes adjust to the relatively normal light in the room you're in, you are pretty certain that you must have died and gone to heaven. You stare at the white ceiling and the stupid posters hanging up there and you kind of laugh, because of course your heaven would be your own stupid bedroom. You're not even sure you believe in heaven at all, so it seems fitting it'd just look like your normal shitty apartment and your normal life.

You keep thinking it's heaven up until you try to sit up and a hand presses down on your chest, firm but gentle, and you look at it through half lidded eyes and see the cracked black leather of fingerless gloves. Your breath catches in your throat and you nearly choke on it as you frantically look to your left and _oh god oh my god_

"Bro?" You ask, and you don't give a shit that your voice is quiet and frail sounding and not at all like he taught you, because he's sitting right beside you and there's a stupid, small smile on his tired face.

"Yeah," he says and he's leaning forward and hugging you before you have time to think too hard about the hole in the front of his shirt and the deep grooves in the lines of his face. You feel like absolute shit - your head is pounding and every bit of you is sore from your toes to your fingers and Bro is actually sitting here hugging you. You have to be dead. You have to be.

"Am I dead?" You ask, to which Bro laughs into your shoulder before pulling away and giving you a hard look. He's glasses are gone and you can see the millions of emotions floating around in his pale orange eyes and on top of all those feelings there's happiness and maybe some pride. It makes your heart feel like it's going to burst to see him look at you like that (not that you'd ever admit that out loud).

"Nope, and neither am I. Not any more," he says, and he ruffles your hair before sitting back in the chair with a groan. Your eyes drift to the huge hole in his shirt right over his chest and the thin scar, angry and red, that's underneath. There's dried blood on the shirt that covers his stomach and wraps around his sides. It makes your stomach clench because you can remember when that was fresh, pouring out of him so fast and you couldn't have stopped it even if you tried. He follows your line of sight and sighs.

"Game didn't give me back unscathed, though," he says, and he rubs at the scar tenderly. "You did good, Dave. You did exactly what I taught you to do."

 _I'm proud of you_ , his voice says. You nod and lean back into the pillows of your bed and you sigh. You lie there staring up at the ceiling for a moment, thinking about the Game and where you are now. You catalogue your own body and run your hands over your shirt, chest, and legs. There's holes in your clothing and the dry crust of blood in some places, but all your previous cuts, tears, and broken ribs appear to be fixed. You open your mouth to ask Bro about what exactly this is when your head is suddenly filled with the memory of intense howling and you bolt straight upright.

"Karkat," you gasp out, and oh god where is he, if you are on Earth then where did the Game dump him. It was your session and Alternia is completely gone, lost to a dead session, they have no where to go from here. You think for a moment that the sounds you heard really were him being ripped out of existence and that makes you feel nauseous because despite all his anger and stupidity he doesn't deserve that. He deserves a new life the same as the rest of you.

Bro picks up on your panic immediately and puts a hand on your shoulder to ground you. You look at him and try to rein in your emotions but it's hard without glasses to hide behind and you two went through so much at the end, the thought of him being gone--

"The troll kid, the other Knight," Bro says, and you nod sharply. He runs a hand through his hair and sighs. "Guess that explains that." A pause. "Can you stand?"

"Of course, ass," you say, but you really aren't sure, and you're secretly incredibly thankful when he helps you out of bed and lets you cling to his arm until your legs stop feeling like jelly. He doesn't say anything about the blood that's dried all over your chest and legs, and you remember now that it's not just your blood but Karkat's, too. You will yourself to feel stronger and try to take a step. It's like learning how to use your body all over again, this renewed shape you've been given in a renewed world you created. He leads you into the living room and past mounds of puppets (you shudder) and stacks of equipment and he points to the couch.

It takes all of your coolkid willpower to walk slowly across that room and not go sprinting toward the couch like one of the lovesick girls who's just seen her boyfriend return home from war in Karkat's shitty romcoms. He's sitting in the corner of the couch, legs pulled up to his chest. His jeans are horribly torn and absolutely ruined with blood and gore, but there's no bone jutting out and his foot is on at the right angle, and you release a breath you didn't realize you were holding. His arms are folded on top of his knees and wrapping them up tight, his face pressed down into them, and he doesn't look up at you even when you get within a foot of him and say "hey."

"I think he must have been brought here since the Game had no where else to put him," Bro says, leaning against the doorframe between living room and bedroom. "Turns out the Game isn't a complete fucking piece of shit and decided to give him a second chance, too. Who knew. But this isn't where he's from or where he belongs. We don't have trolls here. So the game had to... compromise."

It's as those words leave Bro's mouth that you realize Karkat's hands are a pale, oh so pale pink and there are no horns poking out of his hair. He looks up at you and his eyes are a sharp candy cane red - of course the Game couldn't let him get away completely normal - and he looks abso-fucking-lutely terrified.

You immediately realize why he was howling in so much pain: his entire body, inside and out, was being reshaped into something it wasn't supposed to look like. He was remade but not as himself, like you were, but as someone almost completely different in a hundred little subtle ways.

"You're human," you say, and it is the stupidest thing you could have ever said in that moment. You kick yourself for it for a while afterward because the look of pain that flickers in Karkat's red eyes is so deep and makes him look so young that you want to take it all away and fix it. A part of you, the part fresh from the game, reaches out to feel time, to see if you can bend it to somehow fix this.

You can't.

"No fucking shit, nooksucker," he rasps, and his voice sounds weird, not as tonal or feral as before, because now he has human vocal cords and all the sounds and clicks and growls that he's used to making are out of his range. It's not an unpleasant voice, you think, and then kick yourself again, because this isn't the time for ill-placed teenage boy hormones.

"But hey, we did it. We won," you say, and what you really mean is _you didn't die, thank god you didn't die_ but the words won't come and so instead you just sound like an idiot. Hell, John would sound smarter than you right now. At least maybe he'd know what to say to someone who has now been given a completely new body he has no idea about in a completely new world he has no idea how to live in.

"Shut up, just shut up. _You won_ , you fucking idiot. I lost, because if I had won then I would be _home_ ," he says, and his voice cracks so pitifully on the word "home" that you bite your lip, and he presses his forehead back into his forearms and you have to tell yourself that it's not sobs that are making his shoulders shake but anger. It has to be anger, because otherwise you don't know how to handle it.

You remember that you are both just sixteen years old then. You try to think about what it would be like if you were him and instead of waking up next to Bro you woke up in his house - hive? - with weird alien shit all around you and a new body you can't figure out.

You stand there like a fish out of water until Bro walks past you and takes a seat on the couch. He doesn't say anything to Karkat, but he doesn't really have to, because Karkat looks up at him when he sits down and there's tears in the corners of his eyes and running down his cheeks and you know there are no words to console him.

Because there would be no words to console you, were it you.

"You can stay here with us," Bro says, and Karkat's eyes widen just a little bit and he stares at Bro for a moment as if he's going to think it over, like he has some other option he can pick from, which he clearly fucking doesn't. He finally nods, slowly and thoughtfully, and Bro reaches out a hand to touch Karkat's back but Karkat flinches away like Bro is going to hurt him. You sigh and wonder for the hundredth time in the past three years what it is trolls have to live with that makes Karkat so afraid of everyone and everything all the time. Because that's what the anger is hiding. You know, because that's what your glasses were hiding, and you've figured out that you both are pretty fucking similar once you get down to it.

"Figure I've already raised one Knight. It can't be too hard to finish raising two."

You're not sure you understand Bro's logic, but you're incredibly glad all the same.


	3. i fell apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays, everyone! <3

The shower you take the next morning is the most beautiful thing you have ever experienced in your entire life. You take your time, scrubbing at your skin with a wash cloth and some kind of smelly soap until it feels sensitive and soft and almost sore. You don't care. You have dried blood shoved in places you didn't realize it had gotten and by the time you finally feel clean again, by the time you don't feel absolutely disgusted when you look at yourself, the water has turned cold. You flip it off and step into the bathroom and then stare at yourself for another five minutes, completely naked in the mirror.

You haven't looked in a mirror in a very long time.

There's bags under your eyes so prominent you almost look like Karkat at this point, and there's a network of thin, white scars making a goddamn map out of your skin. You've toned up in muscle from being the Knight and weilding a sword for that whole time. The training you suffered through on the meteor while waiting for the end paid off and this is the first time you're getting a good look at it since.

Damn, but you are fine looking.

You dry yourself off before slipping into a pair of Bro's sweatpants he left out for you. You've aged three years in that fucking game and now you don't fit into half of your clothes, which makes Bro laugh but also give you that weird look he kept giving you last night. That "when did you grow up" look.  


When you were made the Knight of Time, you think to yourself.

You walk out of the bathroom toweling your hair to dry it and stretching out, because even though you slept for almost twelve hours (you're pretty sure it was closer to going comatose at that point) you're still sore and aching somewhere deep down inside yourself. Your body is yours but at the same time not, because it was torn apart and rearranged in a new world and as it turns out, that is a weird goddamn feeling that doesn't go away right away.

You realize you're hungry, so you head into the kitchen and start going through cabinents. You don't normally have much in here, and judging by the puppet bits in the blender the game dropped you off back where you left it, so you're not optimistic. You'll ask Bro about pizza when he wakes up, you guess, and you close the door to the cabinent and lean against it, just sort of taking it all in.

It feels weird to be back home. Almost wrong. You feel like a stranger in your own house because you've become such a totally different person from when you were last here that you're not sure you're welcome any more. Which is stupid, because it's just an apartment, of course it doesn't notice how different you've become.

You see Karkat standing in the entrance to the kitchen when you look up and you wonder how long he's been standing there just kind of staring at you. You try to give him a smile but the look on his face is so hard-set and confused and hurt that you can't really muster it much, and it comes off more like a slight incline of your lips.

"Hey," you say, because you are very eloquent and good with words.

"Hey," he responds, because at least you are both equally confused.

"Are you hungry? Gonna order some pizza when Bro gets up because fuck if I haven't missed good old greasy ordered pizza and not the shit John alchemized," you say, and he watches you thoughtfully for a second before nodding, his arms wrapped so tight around himself that you'd think he was trying to keep himself all together. "Did you guys have pizza joints in Troll land?" You ask, and he groans and rolls his eyes.

"Of course we had fucking pizza, you moron, we weren't completely fucking alien from this place," he snarls and damn does it feel good to hear that fighting spirit back in his voice, even if it sounds a little hollow and not quite as menacing with his new voice. It feels normal and all you really want right now is to feel something close to normal, because your life in the past three years has been everything but, and you're still feeling confused and sore about this whole thing.

You look him up and down and realize that he's still wearing his clothes from the day before (was it even a day?) and the dried blood reeks from all the way over here. You walk past him down the little hallway connecting bedroom and living room and gesture for him to follow you, which he does if only because he doesn't know what else to do with himself. You tell him to wait at the bathroom while you slip into the bedroom and rummage around for some clothes for him to wear. He's shorter than you, but a bit stockier, so you go for Bro's clothes anyway, figuring it'll just be your best bet. You pick out a t-shirt and some loose, black sweatpants and step back out into the hallway. He's waiting for you looking somewhat impatiently at the door, and you shake your head when you step back out.

"These are gonna have to do for now, man. My clothes won't fit us any more. I know how you are about sweaters and shit but this is Texas and it is way too hot here for long sleeves so don't stare at it like that, asshole," you say, when he holds up the t-shirt and stares at it in annoyance. He huffs.

"Trolls are naturally better at dealing with--"

He catches himself halfway through and the look on his face is almost like someone punched him in the gut. You pointedly ignore it, assuming that's probably the best course of action, instead slipping past him and into the bathroom. God this is awkward. You wish there was something you could say to make it better, to make it seem like it's not the end of his entire world, but you're not sure there's anything that _can_ be said because that's basically what it is. You feel like hell and you're still in your regular body. You can't imagine what he must feel like.

"You just pull this door closed and twist the knob to the right for hot water and left for cold water. There's soap and shampoo and wash cloths there," you point to the corner of the shower, "and there's some towels under the sink." You bend down and pull one out for him before sitting it on the countertop. You try to make your explanation sound as natural as possible, because you know it wasn't the same on Alternia and you also know you'd be pissed if everyone talked to you like you were an idiot. So you try to write it off as a casual run down of this particular shower and not teaching him all about their weird "ablution trap" or whatever trolls called it.

He looks at the thing for a moment before deciding he's smart enough to tackle a shower and he nods, moving into the bathroom as you move to leave. You're both incredibly close at that moment, stepping chest to chest in opposite directions, and you get a good look at his face when you do, but you don't touch. You want to, it suddenly occurs to you, because the last time you touched him he was dying in your arms and you want to feel him warm and alive and whole again because you can't get rid of that memory, but you don't, because you're Dave Strider and you have your emotions in check at all times.

The moment passes and you stand outside the door awkwardly for a split second before your coolkid face is back up and you run a hand through your hair.  
"Just toss your clothes out the door when you get changed. If it's cool with you I'm just gonna pitch that shit, it is beyond saving," you say, and he looks down at himself again before nodding and shutting the door nearly in your face. You roll your eyes and walk back out into the living room to see that Bro is up and sitting on the couch and idly flipping through TV channels. He has a pair of shades on and that fact makes you want to simulatneously laugh hysterically and grin like a moron because even though it looks so stupid on his thin, creased face it looks so _right_.

You take a seat with an overdramaticed flop on the couch next to him, and he glances over at you and even though you can't see it you can just tell he's giving you that "when the hell did you grow up" look because you're bare chest and myriad of scars is still visible. You shrug it off and pull one of the couch pillows to your chest because all the sudden you're very acutely aware of how you look.

"So I was thinking pizza," you say, and Bro looks back to the TV and flips the channel again, this time changing to the news. Which makes both of you freeze for a minute because you are both forced to realize that it's the day after the Game started. It makes you feel kind of sick, the thought that you aged three years when the whole world has only moved one day. This time shit is messed up and even being the Knight of Time you were fucking terrible at understanding all of it.

Of course, that was your problem, wasn't it.

"A big, huge, greasy pizza covered in processed meats and copious amounts of cheese," you say, because if you don't talk about something you're going to spiral down the path of thinking about what exactly has happened to you phsyically and that is not a place you want to go right now. Bro nods at your side and digs around in his pants pocket for his cellphone.

"Sounds good to me," he says, and while he dials the number and places the order you get up and walk into the hallway because you heard the door open and click shut again as Karkat tossed out his ruined clothes. You pick them up and just hold them for a moment, your fingers playing with the round hole that mimicked what had been pierced through Karkat's chest, and your stomach turns and you want to run away because god damn the image is playing in your head again.

 _karkat sprawled on the ground, knocked flat by a recent blow, you sprinting in his direction as fast as humanly possible, a sword slamming through karkat's chest and oh god it was bro all over again you were going to lose him too and_

Bro is standing behind you with a hand on your shoulder and you don't even realize how badly your shaking until he tightens his grip and his hand shakes a bit, too.

"Whatever it is, Dave, it's over," he says and you ball the clothes up into your arms and crush them against your chest to hide them from your view. He reaches out to take them from you and you shake your head, stubborn as always, and walk down the hall toward the kitchen and trash can. This is something you need to do for some stupid reason and even if the smell of Karkat's blood and the feel of it against you skin is making you shiver you stick with it because that's what a Strider does. You walk them to the trash bin and chuck them in with such violence and hatred that it wobbles a little bit.

You can tell by the way Bro has followed you into the kitchen that he wants to ask about what happened, because his little brother and another boy were lying next to him covered in more blood than he's ever seen before last night and you know that that is bothering him. You ignore him and instead focus on pulling out the trash bag, tying it shut, and rummaging a new one out of the cabinet beneath the sink. His gaze is digging straight into your back and it isn't until you've ignored him for a good three or four minutes that he finally speaks up.

"So," he starts, and you turn around and look him in the face and are glad for once that you don't have any shades on right now because even Bro looks a little taken aback by your expression.

"So," you say back, and you keep up that good, hard stare for a while longer before focusing instead on his shoulder because that seems somehow easier to look at. "You know what a Knight does, Bro. You fucking raised me as one. We were both Knights and we both did our fucking job, end of story." It sounds meaner than you mean it to but you can't really help it. Those last few hours of the game were absolute hell to you both.

You think he probably knows what that means because he nods and drops the subject there.


	4. but got back up again

By the time Karkat is out of the shower and changed the pizza is here. He walks into the kitchen and you look over your shoulder as you're reaching up to grab some paper plates off the top of the fridge and you have to force your mouth to not break into the biggest smile. Like you'd expected, Bro's clothes is too long on him, and his feet are completely hidden under the hem of the sweatpants and his chest is swallowed in white. He looks a little more content now that he's showered, but the tiredness is still there, and you sit down at the kitchen table and plop the paper plates down with a little flop.

"Help yourself before it's all gone, man," you say, opening up the first box and digging out a piece of three meat pizza, slapping it down on your plate. You grab another out of the supreme pizza box and scoop up three breadsticks before you're content that you have enough food, and Karkat just stares at you the whole time, like he's trying to exactly figure out what is going on here.

You wish you knew so you could tell him, but you're just going with it at this point.

He must decide the same thing because his glare against the pizza boxes doesn't last for very long before he's digging out a few pieces for himself, putting them on a plate and giving them a once over before gingerly biting at one. He tugs at the pizza slice with his teeth and lets out this little huff of annoyance when he finally gets through it and cheese strings are hanging from his lip. You and Bro can't help but watch him for a second and he glares at you both in turn, clearly frustrated.

"How the fuck are you supposed to eat anything with these worthless little nubs of teeth. They aren't sharp at all and if I can't even eat a fucking pizza with them how am I going to eat anything else," he snaps, and he shifts his seething glare down to the piece of pizza. You and Bro both have to stifle laughs.

"Dude, you're gonna burn the thing with that stare. Use a fork or something if it's that hard for you," you say, and that only infuriates him more because you know he takes it as a gibe at his ability to do something. You're good at getting under his skin like that. He's easy to fluster.

He shuts up then and goes back to gnawing at the pizza with his new teeth. After a while he seems to get the hang of it and it comes as a bit more natural to him, but you still notice that he gets a little flustered when the pizza crust is too crunchy.

You're staring at him. Stop staring at him.

You busy yourself with another breadstick and you and Bro share some idle chatter, talking about the apartment and grocery shopping and other shit that needs to get done now that you're both back and have the time. He mentions school but you blow him off for now because that's been nagging at the back of your head already and you don't want to go there yet because then you're going into freaky "three years in one day" territory again.

Karkat sits in relative silence, eating his fill of the pizza and then sitting there examining his surroundings. From the corner of your eye you see him look over the kitchen and the living room behind you, his bright red eyes darting around the room and taking it all in. When he's not doing that he's staring at his hands, running a finger around the middle of his palm, pale pink now instead of slate grey, fingernails dull and clear instead of sharp and yellow. He's utterly fascinated with it and you don't even have it in you to mock him for it, even though a few quips pop up into your head, because you would be curious and confused if you'd just changed species overnight, too.

After a while of sitting in silence he shifts in his chair and shoots you a cool glance.

"Where's your husktop?" He asks, and you're again reminded that he's from a totally different culture.

"Laptop," you correct him, partly to be annoying and partly to try to give him a crash course in human English vocabulary. You stand up and gather up the paper plates, dumping them in the trash before turning back to him. "It should be in the bedroom," you say, and you motion for him to follow you as you walk down the hall to retrieve it. You point him toward the desk and he sits down, flipping open the top and turning the computer on, and you flop down on the bed because you have a feeling you know what he's going to do and you're curious, too.

He logs himeslf into Trollian and it takes only about ten seconds before there's a little ping of noise and Karkat looks so unabashedly happy that you think he might start crying at any moment. You stand up and look over his shoulder and immediately recognize Terezi's typing color and quirk and your heart picks itself up out of your stomach where it had been fluttering around. Thank god she's safe, too. (Thank god he's not entirely alone in this.)  


You notice that no one else on his list is signed on. You're not sure how that makes you feel, exactly, but you have a good idea that the ones who weren't with you at the end won't be coming back. The wall of grayed out names looks a bit too much like a line of tombstones and you back away from it.  


You didn't even know them. You don't know why you care.

But you do.

You sit back down and wait while Karkat talks to her for twenty minutes, his fingers moving furiously over the keyboard and the gray words spilling out on the screen so fast you almost can't keep up. Karkat was always way too fucking wordy, you think, and you give up watching the screen halfway through and just bank on him recapping when he's done.

When his hands fall to his lap and he just kind of sits there staring at his chumpRoll you figure he's probably done talking for now. You give him a minute to look up and down that list of grayed out names before you lean forward and clear your throat.

"Any news?" You ask, and he spins around in the chair and looks at you and the floor and the ceiling and then back at you before he sighs.

"It's not just me," he says, and your not sure if that's relief or sadness or something like both in his voice. "Terezi's this way too. She's with Jade and her mangy dog, they're taking care of her for now." You let out another breath you were subconsciously holding and wonder how many times your going to do that before you make yourself pass out or something equally fucking ridiculous.

"That's good. I mean, great, they're both safe and back here," you say, and he nods curtly, because they're not exactly "great" by any means but you know. At least they aren't dead or trapped in a doomed session any more.

"She said the others are here and in this same sorry state of existence as I am. Aradia, Sollux, and Kanaya are with Rose and Gamzee is with John," he rolls his eyes. "We'd better fucking hope being a human chills Gamzee's tits a bit or I worry for the future of Egderp." He says it like a joke but you can tell deep down he's completely fucking serious. If he's not around, who knows how Gamzee will handle this shit. You make it a point to talk to John later and let him know about the situation.

"The clown is with the famous pranksters? I'm sure they'll be just peachy," you say, because it couldn't really be more perfect and hilarious. John's weird-ass dad will probably love the shit out of the weird juggalo fucker.

There's an awkward silence between you both and goddammit when did you start sucking so bad at being the smooth-talking badass. You just feel tired and drained and you're staring at Karkat again and this time he notices but doesn't say anything, just stares right back.

You stand up, cross the room, and pull him up off the chair and into an awkward bro-hug of sorts. He stiffens under your touch but doesn't pull away and god it feels so good to feel him _warm_ and _alive_ and to hear his breathing coming in something other than ragged, wet gasps. You hold onto him like he's going to fade away or start gushing blood again at any moment, like you'll wake up and be in black nothingness with him dead at your feet.

"I thought you were dead," you mumble, and you immediately feel like a fucking idiot, because there goes all hope of saving face in this situation.

"Yeah," he says back, and puts his arms on your hips very, very gently, to the point where you aren't entirely sure they were there at all, before he's pulling away and walking back toward the living room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is growing into something I kind of was not expecting the more I write it! So many ideas! I'll probably slow down just a touch after this while I organize my thoughts and smooth out the little problems that are popping into my head while I write. Thank you for all the responses I've received so far!


	5. i'll listen long as i am able

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone had a good holiday! This chapter has been taking me longer to feel comfortable with and I blame the fact that, as it turns out, working in a restaurant downtown the day after Christmas is a very tiring experience and I'm a bit fried. Ouch.

It takes almost a week but eventually you stop feeling so goddamned shell shocked and start acting a little more like your normal, old self. You go out and buy a new pair of shades - even if they can't replace the ones John got you what feels like forever ago - and you and Karkat now have your own clothes again and have stopped wearing Bro's.

None of you sleep much after that first night. You haven't talked about it between the three of you, yet, but sometimes you want to, want to tell Karkat how you hear his screaming in your dreams and how you try desperately to shove his blood back in his body as it spills out over you, tell Bro how your head is an endless loop of Jack shoving his own sword through his chest.

You wonder what Karkat dreams about that makes him thrash around and cry out in his sleep. You've watched him sleeping, once, when you got up because the nightmares were just too damn bad and were standing in the kitchen getting a glass of juice just because it gave you something else to think about. You'd stood in the kitchen entryway and watched him thrash about on the couch. You thought about waking him up, almost did, but he woke himself up with a little shout and a start before you could and you sidestepped into the shadows of the hallway so fast that there was no way he saw you standing there watching. Which is good, because you're trying to rebuild a fucking reputation here, not ruin it all with some creepy late-night stalker action.

You decided yesterday that you were going to have to teach Karkat a few basics about your world, and today you're both sitting down on the couch to try to make this happen. It took you a while to decide what to talk about, since there's probably a hundred little details Karkat doesn't know, but you decide the easiest answer is geography. Specifically where the others are in relation to you both. You explained the basics of what you were going to teach him earlier but you're just now sitting down to it.

He looks over at you and the notebook and the stupid map of the United States you're holding in your hand with skepticism and maybe some disdain because you know he just hates the idea that you have to teach him anything at all. Tough shit, Karkat, you think.

"Okay so unfortunately they're all pretty fucking far away from us," you start, and goddammit you are not good at explaining shit to anyone. You flatten out the map on the notebook and over your knees and you make a little red circle over Houston, Texas.

"That's where we are, good ol' Texas," you make a little "x" over Washington where you think John probably lives. You suck at this kind of shit but hey, at least it gives Karkat a vague idea. "This is where John and that juggalo friend of yours are, up here in Washington," you move your hand over to the other corner of the map, "and this is where Rose and the others are at, somewhere in New York." You then move to the very edge of the map and draw an arrow pointing out into the water because fuck if you really have any idea where Jade lives. You scribble down a totally awesome and detailed little island and circle that, too.

"Jade is somewhere in this direction out in the middle of butt fuck nowhere," you say, pointing the end of your pen at it. He follows along in relative silence, only muttering stupid quips about how dumb all the names sound, and looks over the map for a good minute before nodding at you.

Good, glad that's out of the way.

"What else don't you know, fuck I am bad at this shit I don't even know what to explain," you say, and you roll your shoulders a bit because you can feel the tension building up there. You pass him the map so he can get a better look at it and figure hopefully he'll just get the hang of it on his own.

You figure timezones might be important to explain, though, and you're glad the stupid little map already has those on it. You point to them with the pen and make a huge scene of it, like you're some kind of professor teaching a lecture hall and not a teenager teaching his newly human alien friend.

"Because those guys are so far away from us they are in different timezones and shit, so sometimes Jade will be sound asleep when we're awake which makes it a royal pain in the ass to talk to her. Something to do with--"

"I fucking know how day and night works, asshole," he groans, and you glare at him through the sunglasses because fuck do you hate being interrupted. You look at his face through the glasses and you remember why you like these things so much because you can just kind of sit here and examine him and he has no real idea that that's what you're doing. The bags under his eyes are just as pronounced as ever, if not a little moreso, from his lack of sleep lately.

You remember something Terezi told you once and it occurs to you that maybe the reason Karkat has been sleeping weird hours is because trolls are nocturnal creatures. He's getting better about it just because you and Bro are always asleep at night, but he still seems incredibly tired during the day.

"Humans are awake at day, fuck what's that called, diurnal? Whatever, we sleep when it's dark and are up when the sun's up. It didn't matter much on that rock but now that we're here on Earth that's how it's gonna be." He scoffs at that.

"That's absolutely moronic, the sun is a ball of fiery death. Why would anyone stay awake when it's out," he says, glancing out the window and to the bright Houston sun that's hanging somewhere behind the sky scrapers around you. He squints at it in annoyance.

"Our sun's not as bright as yours, dipshit. And as a human now you don't have freaky cat night vision so you make due with what light mother nature is giving ya," you drawl, leaning back against the arm of the couch and looking him over, eyes peeking over the top of your glasses but not enough that he can see them. The sun through the window is making his hair light up around his head and it looks a bit like he has a shimmery black aura glowing around his face. His cheeks are soft and his mouth is wide and pulled down into his trademark frown. His skin is weirdly pale, such a radical difference from before, and it makes his hair stand out along the frame of his face. He's fiddling with the edge of the notebook while you both sit there just kind of zoning out.

Fuck he looks good as a human. (Not that he didn't look good as a troll.)

 _Fuck_ you really just thought that.

You break out of your stupid, stupid train of thought when he cuts his finger on the edge of the notebook and just stares at it, the little drop of red blood welling up on his fingertip. He frowns at it in annoyance and you realize why almost immediately. You reach out and put a hand on his knee.

"Don't worry, dude. We all bleed that color now." He jerks away from your touch and sticks his finger in his mouth to suck the blood off of it thoughtfully.

"Human bodies are pathetic. I just got cut by a piece of fucking paper, for gog's sake," he groans, because this is apparently incredibly distressing to him. "Stupid soft squishy human skin."

"Jegus you big baby, do I need to go get a bandaid and some ointment and fix it up for you?" You lean forward and grab his hand and make a huge scene out of examining the little papercut, turning his hand this way and that. He snarls at you in the most pathetic remnant of what he used to be able to do and tries to pull his hand away.

You get an idea, then. You let him pull and you don't resist at all, which pulls you across the couch and closer to him and you're probably only like, what, two inches from his face now? You turn your head and use half momentum and half your stupidity and push your lips against his.

He freezes as soon as you do, which you take as kind of a good sign, because at this point you are just kinda rolling with it and not letting yourself think too hard about the whole thing. You hold on to his wrist still and press your mouth full against his and goddamn his lips are soft. It's not the first kiss you've shared - you kind of had an awkward no-we-won't-name-this thing going on when you were on the meteor - but it's been a long time and you've both been through a lot since then and that was never really anything official to begin with.

You take it as a good sign that it takes him a little over five seconds to pull away from you, even though during that time he doesn't kiss back.

"What the _fuck_ are you doing, Strider, you fucking idiotic piece of grubmunching garbage. Every day you surprise me more and more with just how fucking stupid you are," he groans and leans as far back into the couch cushion as he can to put some distance between his face and yours. You back away from him in turn, cool as can be, and immediately afterward you hear the front door click and Bro walk in.

You try very, very hard to hide how excited you are to have a distraction from the horrible crash and burn accident that was that kiss. (The least he could have done was kiss back, god you are an idiot sometimes.) You stand up and wave at Bro as he walks into the kitchen and drops off the arm full of groceries he's carrying.

"We gotta talk," he says, and you're pretty sure what about and goddammit, you'd rather go back to the awkward stare Karkat is giving you than this conversation.

"Alright, 'bout what?" You say, leaning against the frame between living room and kitchen. He rummages through the plastic bags, putting shit away as he takes it out, and he looks over his shoulder at you when you walk up and talk to him.

"School. The living situation," he puts away a few cans, "your sister," puts away a few boxes of cereal, "the others from the Game. Basically a whole lot of shit we've been ignoring."

"Right," you say, and that's really all you can think to say because you're not exactly sure what to do, either. You're somehow now three years older but haven't taken those three years of school, there's barely enough room in this aparment for you and Bro let alone Karkat, too, and you miss John and Rose and Jade so much that talking about how far away they are hurt.

Your whole life, in other words, is a complete and utter mess.

Not to mention the fact that Karkat hasn't been to a single day of human school in his entire life and he's now sixteen-years-old. His life is only marginally more a wreck than yours.

You sit down at the kitchen table and watch Bro finish up putting away shit and decide to start with the easiest of your problems: your friends.

"I want to go visit John and the others," you say it coolly and like you aren't a kid who misses his friends _very fucking badly_ because you went from seeing them all the time and damn near dying for them to suddenly being on opposite sides of the United States from them. You hear Karkat shift on the couch when you say that and it's pretty obvious that he's now listening very intently to your conversation. You can't really blame him for it, because it's his friends who are now far away, too, and he's probably feeling the same way as you.

Bro finishes up what he's doing before leaning against the refridgerator, looking over at you through his pointed glasses. He rubs at his forehead with his fingers and stays quiet for a second and you wonder if he's going to be mad at you or something because, of all your troubles, this should be the least important of them. You feel stupid and childish that it's the first thing you have to say.

"I know," he says, and you're surprised by that response. You keep quiet because you're not really sure where to go from here. He looks like he's thinking that over for a minute before he walks over toward you and stands next to the kitchen table, looking down at you.

"Give me some time. I've got shit to get in order, first, but John's dad and Rose's mom and I have been talking it over. We're... working something out. Hopefully it'll fix all our problems in one fell swoop," he says, and man, he must be as affected by this whole thing as badly as you are because he actually rubs at his forehead again and you can pick up on the little lines of stress still on the corners of his face.

Apparently Striders aren't all poker faces and smooth talking all the time.

"Why don't we go out for dinner tonight," he says, changing the subject almost completely in a matter of seconds and fuck yes you want to go out to dinner tonight, does he have any idea when the last time you went out to eat was? You lean back in the chair and look over at Karkat who is back in that "clinging to myself like I'm going to fall apart" position in a corner of the couch.

"What do ya say, Karkles. Seafood? I'm craving some crab cakes," you say, trailing off in a fake dreamy voice and he actually blanches at that and you laugh at him. Bro clearly doesn't get the joke but jabs you on the arm, anyway, because you shouldn't pick on Karkat when he's so pathetic looking or something else stupid Bro will probably yell at you for later.

"Okay, okay. Italian food," you concede and get up from the chair to go get changed. You can hear Karkat grumbling obscenities at you from over on the couch and you laugh inwardly at him.

Fuck, you love getting under Karkat's skin like that.


	6. intermission ==> have a look at karkat's dreams

There is an alternate timeline out there somewhere in paradox space where you don't make it through the end. You know this because it just kind of makes sense, but also because you've dreamt of it several times since then. It starts the same as what you really remember happening, through a haze of red blood and pain, but instead of hanging on you give up. You decide it's not worth fighting any more.

When you fall to the ground Dave comes down with you and leans over you and tells you to stand back up again because you are both going to survive this if it's the last good thing he does. You tell him to stop crying like that because it's fucking stupid. You choke on those words and cough a pained, wet cough and your hands and feet feel so very cold. You reach up and plant your hands on either side of Dave's face, dark skin against pale hair and flesh. You center him, look him square in the face, because the last thing you want to see in your shitstain of a life is his face and eyes and mouth. You tell him to keep fighting for you instead, and he opens his mouth to protest, but you never hear it, because in that instant the darkness envelopes your vision and you're gone.

This is normally when you wake up, sweat pouring off of you, your legs a tangled mess of blankets on the couch. Sometimes you've fallen off and are laying on the floor and sometimes you haven't moved at all, you just start awake and for a moment you think Dave is still leaning over you. (He never is.)

You lie there for several long moments after that and try to ignore the taste of blood in the back of your throat and the feeling of warmth in your fingertips from where dream-you was holding on to Dave.

Sometimes, when it's completely dark and you forget where you are and why you're here, you think that should be the alpha timeline. That should be what really happens. Because the shit that has happened to you now seems so pointless and hard and, really, what difference would it make. What would it matter if you died there. Because you have no home or culture or even the right body any more, so you're basically dead anyway.

You think that up until you have the same dream again and instead of ending when you die it keeps going. You've become an outsider to the entire scene but it still plays, the flash of bright light, Dave and your corpse being brought to that white limbo. His arms around your limp body, Terezi crying at his side, Jade screaming at you like it's going to make you come back or something equally stupid. You don't think too much of it because their reaction is only a mild surprise to you.

It's when you get a look in Dave's eyes that you realize maybe, just maybe, there's a reason you fought so hard to make it here.

Because in that timeline, in that weird alternate space somewhere in the universe, you can tell that he breaks. That Terezi breaks.

You spend a lot of time thinking about this when you finally wake up. You doubt it's really that they care that much about you (you're wrong) and you think that it's probably because you are a group, a small, slowly shrinking group of teenage kids, and one more loss is just too much (you're right about this, however).

You decide that you were wrong about your death, that you made the right decision to cling so desperately to life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now back to our regularly scheduled awkward teenage boy angst party.


	7. i am cheap and see-through

You can't sleep. It's not a surprise at this point, really, but there it is, insomnia hovering over you like some kind of black cloud that just insists on following you around and shitting all over your day. Dinner was fine, food was great, getting out with Bro and Karkat liberating, and you'd all come home and watched shitty movies until Karkat was sleeping on the couch and you and Bro decided it was time to call it a night. You'd been able to forget about everything the entire rest of the afternoon and you'd been almost certain it meant you'd actually be able to fall asleep right away.

You were completely wrong, of course.

You can hear Bro's breathing, soft and even, on the bed next to you. You've taken to sleeping on a spare mattress on the floor while Karkat is around, since Bro can't sleep on the couch any more, and while it's not necessarily uncomfortable you sometimes miss your bed. Bro is definitely right about the living situation, at least. There is no room for all of you any more.

You flip over onto your side for the tenth time in the past five minutes and go back to fiddling around with your phone. No one is on Pesterchum, which disappoints you more than you thought it would at first, and after another good fifteen minutes or so of staring off into space you decide it's not worth lying there any more.

As quietly as possible you roll out of bed and grab a t-shirt and gym shorts out of the pile next to your mattress. You pull them on and slip out into the hallway, shutting the door carefully behind you, before making a b-line for the kitchen. You open the cabinet and get a glass before filling it with some cold water and standing there sipping it, staring out the kitchen window. The lights of downtown Houston are still glowing and when you look down from the top of your apartment complex, the street almost looks like it's daytime, there's so much movement down there. You watch the small specks of people flit around the street for a few minutes, lost in thought, before a sharp gasp rips you out of your thoughts and you immediately try to rifle through your captchalogue for Caledfwlch only to remember that it's not there.

You also remember you aren't in the game any more, so the gasp isn't a monster about to try to rip you apart. Goddamn you are so jumpy now.

You can hear something that sounds almost like faint whimpering and groaning and you sit the cup down on the kitchen counter and walk toward the living room. The faint light of the buildings outside gives the living room a very delicate glow and you can see Karkat lying on the couch, his arms and legs moving restlessly as he dreams, his face scrunched into a look of frustration and maybe pain.

"Fuck," you say under your breath, walking closer to him. You know what kind of dream he's having, you've had them every night the past week yourself, and you kneel on the floor next to the couch and sit there trying to figure out what to do.

Sometimes, when you have bad dreams, Bro will wake you up and just sit there next to you, sometimes talking to you about nothing interesting, sometimes just sitting in silence. Just knowing that there's someone else around makes you feel better and will let you fall asleep again, so you decide that's probably the best course of action.

"Hey, Karkat, man," you say, and you put a hand gently on his arm, giving it a light squeeze. He thrashes a bit under your touch but doesn't show any signs of waking up so you lean over the couch, closer to him, and you put your other hand on his knee and give him another little shake.

"Come on, Vantas, wake up. It's just a dream, bro," you mutter to him, watching his face closely, his eyes moving rapidly behind his eyelids before all the sudden you're staring down bright candy-red eyes and he's panting and clinging to the couch. He stares at you for a moment before he seems to register where he is and what's going on and you can feel his muscles relax under your hands.

"Just a bad dream. It's fine," you say, trying to sound as calming as possible but not really knowing what to do. Normally Bro is the one supporting you, not the other way around, so you're not really sure how to handle this situation. You keep your hand on his arm but move the other away from his knee, placing it on the floor next to your legs instead. He looks you in the eyes before taking a deep breath and nodding.

"What the fuck are you doing out here?" He asks, voice quiet and sounding anything but menacing, and you shrug at him.

"Couldn't sleep. Got up to get a glass of water and heard you whimpering like a lost puppy so I came over to wake you up." You notice that he hasn't pulled his arm away from your hand. You leave it there, motionless, and wonder if he has noticed and isn't doing anything about it or hasn't even felt your hand there yet.

He remains perfectly quiet for a painstakingly long two or three minutes and you shift your weight a few times because it's starting to make your legs go numb. You try to talk about stupid, inconsequential crap, like how the traffic noises outside are too damn loud and how Bro snores and that's why you can't sleep, but he doesn't respond to any of it and doesn't really seem to care.

You give him a bit to see if he's going to say something and, when he doesn't, you start to stand up.

His hand reaches out and locks onto yours faster than you expected, and you stop halfway off the ground and blink at him in the dimly lit room.

"Don't go," he says, and you can see a little flicker of fear or something like it in his eyes and you nod at him before sitting back down a bit. He stays quiet for a minute before starting to talk, his voice so uncharacteristically quiet that you're not sure you hear him at first.

"For some stupid reason I can't stop dreaming about that fucking place. I think in the past week I've died in my dreams something like five hundred times and every single time I wake up, I think I'm back in my Hive," he rambles it off in top-notch "Karkat is having a mini freak out" speed. "But every single fucking time I'm just on your stupid, smelly couch and fuck it smells like stale pizza and fake fabric. So not only am I dreaming about my own fucked-up death over and over, I'm waking up thinking I'm in a fucking place that doesn't exist any more because my thinkpan is on a permenant mission to make me as fucking miserable as fucking possible."

At some point through his rant he stopped looking at you and started talking to the ceiling, but you heard the whole thing and you just kind of sit there staring at him for a moment because you were not expecting to get that sort of response out of him. He just said more words there than you think he's said since he became a human.

You realize you're still holding onto his hand, so you tighten your grip a little bit and he instinctively tightens his, too, until you're both just kind of awkwardly holding hands over the edge of the couch. You rub your thumb over his knuckles.

"I dream about Bro dying," you say, and this is the kind of shit you would normally only tell Rose but Karkat just spilled his fucking guts to you and you somehow feel like you owe it to him to do the same. "Sometimes I just watch Jack stab him in the chest over and over until it's a fucking pinata of blood all over the place and my brain is having some kind of demented 'look here's your dead brother' party all up in this shit."

He looks over at you, one arm flopped over his forhead and his eyes peeking out from somewhere underneath it. His thin fingers curl around yours a bit more tightly (at least, you think they do).

"When I don't dream about that, I dream about you. That walk back. The fight," you stop there because this is just too personal now and you instead stare at the edge of the couch because it's a lot less questioning and personal than the look Karkat is currently boring into the side of your face.

"Why?" He asks, and you scoff at him. The question kind of pisses you off because how does he not know why. You went through that shit together and he saw just as much of it as you did, the stupid son of a bitch.

"Why? Because I fucking held you while you damn near bled to death, asshole, and it was entirely my fault. What the fuck do you mean 'why?'" He sits there in silence for a minute and you can feel that your breath is coming in ragged little angry gasps. And here you thought you were getting a grip on yourself again and you just exploded your personal shit all over him in the middle of the fucking night. Great. Just great.

You're so caught up in your thoughts that you don't even notice he's sat up and moving closer to you until he's right in front of you, pulling you forward between his knees and into the most awkward hug ever. He's trying so you give him points for that but he clearly doesn't really know what to do with his hands since he just sort of pats your back and hair a bit and mutters the quietest little sorry you've ever heard.

You are both pretty pathetic, you think. He backs away from you relatively quickly and you both sit there looking at the floor for a solid forty-five seconds of high-quality stupidity.  
This is fucking awkward. Time to fix it in the best way a Strider knows how:

"Wanna strife?" You say, and he snaps his head up and looks you straight in the eyes and even though he doesn't have those sharp little fangs any more his grin is still ridiculous and pointed at the edges.

"Fuck yes," he says, pushing himself up off the couch and stretching the remainders of his shitty sleep from his limbs. You try to very pointedly not look at the way his t-shirt rides up away from his stomach when he does. "I need a weapon, though."

"Right," you say, getting to your feet beside him, "I think I can work something out. There's, like, a hundred shitty swords in this fucking apartment. No sickles, though, but you'll just have to deal with what I give ya."

In a few minutes you're leading Karkat up the stairs and to the rooftop of the apartment complex. He follows closely behind you, spending a majority of the time bitching rather loudly about the "piece of shit" short sword you gave him as a replacement. You shoot a few quips back concerning the validity of that complaint considering he normally fights with a gardening tool. He scoffs.

"And yet I'm still better with my sickle then you are with your stupid shitty sword," he says, and you roll yours eyes. Right, that's why you normally win these fights.  
You open the door to the roof and step out into relative darkness. The majority of the light comes from the windows lining the buildings below you, but it's not so bad that you can't see. You're glad you left your glasses inside, though.

You walk over to one side of the roof, then just stand there for a moment, weighing the feel of the shitty broadsword you picked up. It's not quite the same as what you're used to, but it's generally the same width and length, so that's good enough. You look over to Karkat who seems to be doing much the same, flipping the little short sword through the air and hacking at nothing in particular experimentally.

It's not the same thing but he's still pretty good at moving it around, you think. You were always pretty damn amazed with how well he could fight with those sickles of his. He took something completely random and made it look lethal. Which you secretly think is pretty fucking cool, in some deep recess of your mind your coolkid attitude won't let you show.

"Think you can figure out how to use a real weapon, Karkitty? Here, I'll even go easy on you while you try to get the hang of it." You use the stupid nickname to get a rise out of him and apparently it works because as soon as the words leave your mouth he leaps across the roof (why the fuck does he jump so far, goddammit) and you have to do a very uncool little scramble to get your sword up in time.

"I think I can figure out how to use your stupid toy, Strider," he growls, pushing back against your resistance. You don't really think about the grin that spreads across your face, it just does, and you give him a hard shove in the opposite direction and he hops back a few paces.

"That's a good kitty," you joke, this time blocking his newest advance with a smooth parry and sidestep. You both go at it for a while, swing, block, charge, parry, and your body is singing with adrenaline and the thrill of it. It feels amazing to be moving like this again, the familiar slash and swing and dodge of what you're used to. This is what you were raised to do, how you solved your problems as a kid, how you worked your way through the game.

It's a familiar dance to the both of you, you've done it a hundred times in the past three years, and you spin around and bring your sword down, hard, somewhere right beside his face and shoulder. He meets it halfway with his own and you almost fall over when there's a sudden ear-splitting crack and the stupid shitty sword you've been using splits clean in half. Karkat almost scuttles backward he's in such a hurry to avoid the falling shards and you both stand there staring at the end of the thing for a solid thirty seconds.

Karkat starts a high little laugh at the newest development and you join in, too, because of fucking course the sword you're using is going to break. You shrug.

"Story of my life, bro. Never let it stop me before," you say, and in a few seconds you're both back at it again.

It doesn't take long before you're starting to feel the lack of sleep, and it gets pretty obvious that Karkat does, too, and he starts to get sloppy, getting too close to you and staying there for just a fraction too long. It doesn't take much effort for you to use your greater reach and height to finally get a good hold on him and send him crashing to the ground with an "oomph" and a loud thud. You sort of fall down with him (it is more like a totally cool and intentional leap downward, you tell yourself) and you pin him to the ground, knees on either side of him and your half of a sword resting gently against his throat.

"Got ya," you drawl, a smirk crepping onto the corner of your face. He grins back and before you can even formulate a good response to that shit-eating grin you feel the point of his sword as it pokes you in the squishy, very soft and sensitive side of your stomach. Fuck, you didn't even realize he'd kept his grip on the stupid thing.

Touche, Vantas.

"You're dead," he says, poking you again and you're pretty fucking sure that thing has officially drawn blood.

"Asshole," you say, pushing the sword closer to his throat.

"Bulgelicker," he grinds out, and if he doesn't stop poking you in the side with that fucker you are going to break it in half over his fucking head.

Looks like you're at an impasse. You realize in that moment exactly how close your face is to his and how he's gently panting under you and you're struggling to catch your breath yourself and all you'd really have to do is lean in just a tiny bit more and--

"Not bad."

Bro's voice shatters the moment flawlessly. You suddenly become very acutely aware of the smoldering glare Karkat is giving you and the fact that your crotch is getting a bit too cozy with his. You pull back from him and get to your feet in what you assume is probably a totally cool and smooth motion, but with the way your head feels, all light and fuzzy, you aren't one-hundred percent sure. You offer Karkat a hand up, which he pointedly ignores in favor of very gingerly getting up himself.

"Now how about we go back to bed and stop making so much goddamn noise," Bro says, and Karkat doesn't even really spare you a backward glance before he's following Bro out the door and back down the stairs. You take slight satisfaction in his very gentle limp while trying to ignore the aches and pains you're starting to feel now that the adrenaline has worn down a bit.

You also take this moment to realize that things are getting a bit uncomfortable in the downstairs department.

Fucking hell, you need an intervention.


	8. of awkward conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I hope you had a happy New Year and whatnot. I've had a busy week with the New Year and my birthday and other personal things sucking up my time, so sorry this update took me a little longer than usual. I hope it doesn't disappoint, at least! Thanks to everyone for your support so far. <3 Also I totally wanted to try to figure out how to color font but I am still new to AO3 and was completely unable to do so. So hopefully the chatlog isn't too terribly hard to read without the color indicators.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 13:45 --

TG: rose

\-- tentacleTherapist is now an idle chum! --

TG: dude rose stop doin whatever weird shit you are doin and come here and talk to me  
TG: gogdammit rose you will be all over this shit with your stupid weird psychology shit you are like some kind of god of stupid overanalysis and brain poking  
TG: come here and poke my brain i give you full permission  
TG: like i am totally lyin it out open for you to poke at all you want just go ahead and jab away  
TG: my brain is a willing maiden and you are some kind of psychology knight here to take away my brain virginity  
TG: dont pass up on this fine opportunity

\-- tentacleTherapist is no longer an idle chum! --

TT: Can I start with the obvious desperation you are exhibiting by continuing to message me even though I am clearly away from my computer doing other, probably more important things than listening to whatever it is you have to say to me at this particular moment?  
TG: haha rose really funny  
TG: that is the reason i am talking to you  
TG: because we have a problem  
TG: a problem so big that even god would be like fuck how do i handle this problem well i guess i go to rose lalonde and her freaky mind degree  
TT: I am pretty sure that would be the exact response, yes.  
TG: exactly  
TG: you are my only hope  
TT: What seems to be the problem now that I have to be attentative to you at this very moment?  
TG: look okay i am going to you because you understand this shit  
TG: like you and the vampy chick have some kind of weird shit between the two of you  
TT: Kanaya, Dave. She has a name other than "the vampy chick," the fact that she appears to no longer be "vampy" aside.  
TG: oh really? well i guess thats good right  
TG: anyway  
TG: i figured if anyone gets this, whatever the fuck this is it, will be you  
TT: You have a thing for Karkat.  
TG: i think i have a thing for that asshole vantas  
TG: fuck rose how the fuck do you do that shit  
TG: do you have some kind of freaky brain connection with everyone  
TG: is that why you are so fuckin good at the brain shit  
TT: It's simply called being observant. In the past week I think you've mentioned him in our daily conversations approximately thirteen times, not to mention how the two of you responded to each other during our time on the asteroid.  
TT: It's fairly obvious to anyone who has been paying any attention at all that you are harboring feelings for Karkat.  
TG: gog dont fucking put it that way rose you make me sound like some kind of pining teenage girl from the shittest romcoms out of the depths of vantas's collection  
TG: all "oh karkat here i am take me away to your room where we will fuck tenderly in the moonlight" and cut roll credits  
TG: let me just blow my own brains out right now to save myself from the critical levels of uncool and stupidity this entire thing consists of  
TG: *blam*  
TT: Overly dramatic, as always. Is this really that bad?  
TG: rose that dude is a fucking wound up ball of anxiety and fucking anger  
TG: his ability to scream so loud my ear drums ache is disgusting  
TG: and he watches the shittest fucking movies all the fucking time  
TT: Clearly that's why you watch all the movies with him.  
TG: all in the name of irony  
TG: dont you know anything yet  
TT: Apparently not, no. Have you even tried talking to Karkat about this? It's quite possible that he shares these feelings and simply doesn't know how to respond to your advances.  
TG: dude rose i kissed him and he acted like i waved a dead cat in his face he backed away from me so fast and the fucker didnt even kiss back  
TG: gog before he was normally the one startin shit and now its like he doesnt want anything to do with me  
TT: You kissed him?  
TG: fuck why the fuck did i tell you that  
TG: gogdammit rose why do you do this to me  
TG: its not the first time but  
TG: those other times werent like this before i dunno i was just fuckin curious or something i didnt really care one way or another  
TG: youre with kanaya so i dont even wanna hear it  
TG: why the fuck is this so hard  
TT: I think perhaps it isn't quite as hard as you're making it out to be. Give it some time, Dave. As long as he hasn't torn you to shreds in response I think you are probably moving in the right direction.  
TT: Karkat doesn't seem the type to sit by and allow someone to court him when he is not interested.  
TG: i am not fucking courting him jegus  
TT: Maybe that's the problem.  
TG: rose dudes dont do candlelit dates like chicks you had it easy with kan she is into that kind of shit  
TG: what do i do just hand over my masculinity all like "here dude i bought you these flowers let's make out"  
TT: Isn't it traditionally the man who gives the flowers when beginning a relationship?  
TG: whatever who cares you know what i mean  
TT: I think you'll figure out what to do, Dave. I have perfect faith in you.  
TG: oh yes thanks your advice is so not cryptic and is totally helpful  
TT: Besides, I think we have more important things to deal with at the present moment.  
TT: It appears that John and his father are going to be moving to New York.  
TG: what the fuck why  
TT: It seems that you and I were not the only ones developing relationships during the Game. John's father and my mother have apparently fallen in love.  
TG: what no way  
TT: Indeed. At first I thought it was one of her insane, drunken jokes, but it appears that it must be true because John says they are looking for houses in the area now.  
TT: Even though I don't quite understand their reasoning I am glad to know that John is going to be nearby now. It's... definitey more lonely now that we are far away again.  
TG: yeah no shit  
TG: yet here i am still in fuckin texas with only bro and karkat to keep me company  
TG: surely i will wither away and die here alone with these fucking assholes  
TT: I wouldn't get too set on that idea, Dave.  
TG: oh yeah? what are you gonna do, swoop down from the sky and take me away  
TT: Not exactly. I think I would talk to your brother if I were you.  
TT: Our brother.  
TT: Our father?  
TT: What exactly do we call him, precisely.  
TG: i just call him bro, figure it works out either way  
TT: When I see him next I will be sure to follow the same guidelines, then.  
TT: Good luck with your relationship troubles, Dave. I have some business of my own to attend to now that I know there is nothing critical happening in your life. Keep me updated on the delicious troubles that are your mind.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 14:04 --

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 14:05 --

TG: wait what do you mean when you see him next

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is no longer online! --

TG: fuck you are so weird

You lean away from your computer screen and rub at your eyelids with your fingertips. Even though Rose normally knows what to do when you go to her with a problem, her cryptic bullshit responses give you a headache. But good god she is good at figuring you out without you having to say anything. She most definitely did not fix your current problem, however, which you were honestly kind of hoping she would somehow magic her way into doing.

Which poses a problem because now you are staring down your very real feelings and emotions for one Karkat Vantas, something you have been trying to very pointedly ignore for the past week and a half. (Honestly, for the past three years, but whatever those barely count anyway.) You try not to think about it much, browsing the internet idly, checking emails and comics you normally follow. It doesn't really work because you keep thinking about how you were sitting on his hips and the look he was giving you last night, intense red eyes staring into yours.

You let out a frustrated groan and shut your computer, pushing away from the desk and getting to your feet. You're acting like a damn teenage girl pining after her high school crush. Time to distract yourself and instead focus on the other important matter at hand: talking to Bro.

You head out into the living room, checking the kitchen and bathroom on your way, and take a seat on the opposite side of the couch from Karkat. He's bundled up in a blanket on the couch, staring at the television intently, and you roll your eyes. Him and his fucking romcoms.

"Hey, you know where Bro is?" You ask, kicking your legs up onto the coffee table and turning your attention to the movie Karkat's watching. It's something you've never seen before, which isn't that surprising, considering the kind of movies you watch normally involve way more explosions and sweet showdowns.

"No, I don't know where your freaky guardian went. You know him better than I do," he says, eyes never leaving the screen.

You have to resist a very strong temptation to grab him by the front of the shirt and shake him to death.

"Right, whatever. Probably at work or something, who knows," you say, flopping your head back against the couch and staring up at your ceiling through your shades. You're sore from last night and Karkat really did draw blood on your side, and you can feel it when you sit down and relax, every muscle aching just a little bit. It's a welcome distraction from all the other feelings whipping around your head.

"Looks like being a human didn't slow you down any last night," you say, and you kind of mean it as a compliment but also to somewhat justify this situation for him. You know he's not over the species change - hell, he'll probably be having a silent battle about it for months, maybe even years - but you figure at least it's not too different. He could have been some kind of alien squid monster now forced to move around as a bipedal creature. You picture a squid with Karkat's scruffy hair and permenant little scowl and it takes your best coolkid poker face to not laugh out loud at that.

"That's only because you weren't paying enough gogdamned attention. This body is slow and stupid and far too sensitive," he rubs at his knee gingerly, absentmindedly, and you wonder if you accidentally caused him to twist it when he fell. Bastard sort of deserves it, because your side still stings. "I should not be this sore after one pathetic little strife but apparently human bodies aren't conditioned to handle any sort of abuse at all! How useful."

His voice drips sarcasm, as per usual, and you shake your head at him. He is ridiculous. Completely and utterly and possibly a little adorably ridiculous.

"That or you're just soft," you say, and he glares at you, full-on flaming red eyes of fury glares at you, and you just look calmly right back through your shades. He snarls and pulls the blanket instinctively closer to his shoulders before looking back to the television.

"Whatever, asshole," and you frown, because that's it? That's all the fight he's going to give you? Being a human has made him soft, because before he'd be lunging across the couch trying to rip your face off if you so even breathed a word that implied he had become weaker in any way.

You remember Terezi telling you something about how trolls were naturally violent creatures, which she used as her explanation for why she had to kill Vriska and why everyone seemed to be so okay with it. You admit that you've found it a bit hard to talk to her the same ever since that stunt and her getting your alternate self killed, but in the years you'd come to a general understanding and had become the best of friends again.

Now that Karkat's a human, however, it's entirely possible all the anger and hatred that spiraled around his very core when he was a troll might have been taken down a level. Which would explain why he's more melancholic than angry about this entire situation.

You watch him out of the corner of your glasses, pretending to be completely fixated on the screen like he is, even though if he were to ask you what was going on you'd have no clue whatsoever. He's far more interesting in your opinion than whatever movie he's watching and you just kind of look for a moment, examining the crease in his eyebrow and the way he's so completely and obviously tense.

This needs to stop, goddammit. He's going to give himself a fucking stroke acting like that all the time.

"You wanna talk about it?" You ask, trying your best to sound cool and chill. You're not really a "talk about your emotions" kind of guy but you think Karkat is, deep down, or else he wouldn't have relied on Terezi and Gamzee so much in the past few years. Since neither of them are around, however, you try your best to be something close to a friend in your own awkward, somewhat emotionally stunted way.

"No," he says, sharp and short and to the point. Which can't be a good sign because if he's not using way more words than he needs to there's definitely something wrong.

"Maybe it'll help," you offer, turning your attention away from the movie in favor of facing him head on, your back to the arm of the couch and one leg pulled up in front of you.

"Fuck off, Strider. It's none of your gogdamned business."

"Yeah well it kind of is when you keep moping on my couch all day," you say, indicating toward the mound of blankets and television remotes that is Karkat Vantas. He lets go of his legs at that and drops his feet to the floor with a thump, using his new position to turn and face you with a glare.

"This body is weird and has parts and emotions I'm not used to and don't know what to do with, I'm a hundred fucking miles away from everyone else who matters in this gogdamned shithole of a world, and I'm stuck with you two shithive fuckasses for who only knows how long! My life could literally not be worse in this very moment," he hisses, nails digging into the couch and eyes glaring at you through a mop of black, tangled hair. "Is that better? Have I unveiled all the nuances of my thinkpan to you so you can poke and prod at them and make some kind of snarky analysis about how utterly fucked I am?"

You sit there in silence for a moment, looking him over, the tension in his shoulders and arms and the look on his face and you want to strangle him because fuck does he talk way too much.

You opt instead for putting your hand on his hand, trying to loosen his death grip on the couch. It's like the gentle hugging Karkat from last night was some kind of figment of your imagination and now we're back to angry screaming Karkat. You're not exactly sure how any of this works, since the boy is still a fucking mystery to you sometimes, but you kind of want the former back.

"You need to calm your tits, dude. Yeah your life sucks but that's just what it's gonna be like for the rest of forever. So you're gonna have to learn to fucking deal with it," you say, and the look he gives you would wither a lesser man on the spot. Good thing you're a Strider and therefore impervious to such attacks.

There's a moment where he just sort of keeps looking at you, then looks down at your hand on his, and then there's a rustle of movement and your brain tries to catch up with everything as you realize he's pushed himself against you. He's pinning your leg against your chest with his torso and it's awkward and uncomfortable, but you really don't even care because his hands are in your hair and his mouth is smashing against yours and oh god he's kissing you. You don't do anything in return for a moment before you start to kiss back, pressing your lips into his and he pushes back against you as hard as he can, because your leg is in the way and it's making it hard for him to get close enough.

You do your best to shift it to the side so he can get past, which he does, and suddenly his chest is against yours and you can feel his heartbeat pounding through his rib cage against your sternum and you think, is this really happening? His fingernails are scraping at your scalp and you can feel the tip of his tongue start to press questioningly against your lips. You open your mouth a little and let him do whatever he wants because he's actually kissing you and not the other way around this time. The little noise he makes when you move your tongue up to greet his is priceless and you try to file it away in the back of your mind for future reference. It's something like a little whine, but he's obviously trying to keep it in so it just sounds very faint and gentle but still hot, he is so fucking hot pressing up against you like this.

You notice your hands are just lying uselessly at your side and you decide to rectify this, bringing them both to rest on Karkat's hips and using the tips of your fingers to poke up under his shirt and rub at his hipbones.

Which was a terrible idea because all the sudden he's pulling away from you, his hands on either side of your head and pushing against the arm of the couch. He's staring at you with a look of mixed horror and confusion and you wish you could take it back, because apparently whatever you just did was Not Okay. He seems to realize where he is in relation to you and he tries his best to scramble off your chest without accidentally kneeing you or something, which you're at least thankful for. You reach out for a hand and latch onto his wrist, holding him in place. He's hanging half off the couch and it's awkward and probably not comfortable but you don't want him to get away from you.

"Come on, Vantas. What the fuck?" You ask, trying to nudge him back onto the couch with you because there is basically no way you are cool with him shoving his tongue in your mouth then trying to leave.

"Let me go, you insufferable douchebag," he says, and there's not much of a snarl or growl or anything even close to menacing in his voice as per usual. Honestly, he just sounds a little bit scared. His tone of voice catches you off guard and your grip on his wrist lessens just enough for him to break free. He's at the front door slipping on his sneakers before you can get up off the couch and if your mind wasn't such a mess of emotion and hormones right now you'd flash step after him. As it is, though, you just kind of watch as he absconds out the front door and down the apartment hallway, leaving you standing next to the couch like an idiot.

"Can I ask what the hell you did to make that happen?" Bro is standing in the doorway with an arm full of groceries and a bag full of what looks like folders, looking down the hallway after Karkat and his swift retreat. You flop back down onto the couch and take a deep breath to steady out your voice before you attempt responding.

"No. Fuck off," you say, and he steps onto the little spot of tile that is the entrance way to the living room and shuts the door behind him. You're not too worried about Karkat running off, since it's not the first time he's left the apartment, and you know he'll probably just go to the same place he always goes, that weird little park down the street. What's bothering you more is the fact that he'd run off at all. Who just kisses like that and runs? (Your brain takes this moment to intelligently chime in that he was a damn good kisser when he actually got into it.)

"You didn't try to grope him or anything, did you?" Bro is looking at you (presumably) through his shades and you groan and press your hands against your face, your fingers poking up through your own glasses to rub at your eyes.

"Fuck off, Bro." He walks into the kitchen and drops off the groceries and there's a moment where you think he's going to let this go because he doesn't say anything and you can hear him working to put things away in the kitchen. You know Bro better than that, however, and it's only a matter of time before he comes back out into the living room, the folders still in his arms, and takes a seat on the opposite side of the couch. He sits the papers on the coffee table and looks you over for a moment.

He's wearing a dark red button-up shirt with a black tie and black slacks and you raise an eyebrow at him through your fingers. He doesn't normally get dressed up for anything, so you're admittedly curious, but you're also trying your hardest to ignore him so he can't pry into your personal life any more. It's an internal battle: be nosey and risk him being nosey back or sit here in perpetual curiosity staring at his clothing.

Curiosity wins.

"What are you dressed up for?" You ask, pulling your hands away from your face and crossing them over your chest. You're back to your position of leaning against the armrest and you pull your legs up onto the couch and press your bare toes into Bro's leg, prodding at him when he takes too long to answer you. Your skin looks especially pale against his black pants.

"Interview for a loan. Raising two punks is more expensive than I thought," he says, only half paying attention to you, the other half of his attention focused on the papers that he's picked up again. He gives them a good look for the next minute or so and you just kind of sit there in silence, wanting to ask more but knowing the look on his face means he might not answer you anyway. When he puts the papers back and sits them down again, leaning against the couch with his arms stretched behind his head, you give him another poke with your big toe.

"Spill it. Rose said to talk to you about something and I want to know. The anticipation is killing me here," you say, and he takes his shades off for a second, rubbing at his nose and eyes. He looks at you, orange eyes locking with yours even with your shades firmly in place, and you try to keep a straight face because his stare is honestly making you a bit uncomfortable.

"You like Karkat, don't you," he says, so matter of factly and straightforward that it completely catches you up for a second and you just sort of stare at the couch, processing it. Bro never was one to beat around the bush.

"Um, nope, wrong answer. That is not what we're talking about right now or possibly ever. Try again." You know your response is too hurried and too personal, which is a huge screaming red light to Bro of "yes I do like Karkat why do you ask" but you kind of don't mind if he finds out. He's never really had a stable relationship of any kind (that you know of) but maybe he'll be able to make some sense of the stupid fucking situation you've both found yourselves in. You find it really, incredibly hard to actually make any words come out of your mouth about this, though. So you just sort of wait.

"No need to freak out on me. I'm not going to be mad or whatever you might think," he says, obviously not sure where to go with this conversation. The guardian part of him wants to comfort you, you can tell from the very subtle soft lines of his face, but he's never been particularly good at solving problems with anything other than strife.

"Damn it, Bro. I don't know, okay? I really don't, because everything I've tried is a fucking disaster, which you just witnessed first hand. And I didn't even start that one," you groan and lean your head back, dangling it upside down over the arm of the couch and staring at the door. "I don't know if I wanna talk about it right now, all right?"

You wish Karkat would come back so you could talk about this to him and not Bro. Not that you think you'd be able to actually do that. You're not so good at the talking thing.

"If you decide you want to talk about it, feel free. I'll listen, completely unironically and everything," he says it to try to lighten you up a little and it works because it's so him. You give him a good, hard jab with your foot, muttering a "yeah, yeah" in his direction before looking back at him again.

"So this thing that Rose mentioned. And this interview. What's up, Bro?" You try to steer this awkward mess of a conversation back in his direction, relieved to have the attention on something other than your turmoil of emotions. He puts his glasses back on his face, adjusting them so they sit on his nose right, and he picks up the stack of papers.

"About that. I've been talking to the other guardians and we've decided it'd be in everyone's best interests if we all moved. John's dad brought it up first, and we already know we need a new place to live since this isn't working that well, and it gives you a chance to start over in a new school system," he says, flipping through the papers and showing you a few things like an acceptance letter to a job in Buffalo, New York and--

Hang on a second, what?

New York? _New York?_

"Wait, wait. Hold up, let's rewind that for a second here. We're moving to New York? Where Rose and John are?" You stare at the papers in his hand and you know you look like a fish out of water but you stare away anyway because _holy fucking shit_ New York.

"Basically," he says, and he doesn't even bother to hide the very tiny smile that's taken over his lips. Which is good, because you are litterally grinning like a fucking moron right now, and you are so giddy you feel like you could do a very unmanly little bounce up and down like Jade would but you keep that inside at least.  
Wait. Jade.

"What about Jade? We can't just leave her alone on an island with TZ and that devil beast," you say, and Bro nods.

"Rose's mom is working on that one," he says, and you relax a little, because if there's anyone who could find a good place for Jade it's Rose's insanely rich scientist mother. Or whatever the fuck she is.

"Seriously, Bro? Fucking New York?" Houston is great and huge and all but you've never been anywhere but here (well, minus all of Sburb, of course) and hell fucking yes you are excited. Plus it means getting to be close to everyone again and you don't even realize how good that feels until it's a possibility.

"Yep. Fucking New York."


	9. uncertainty

Karkat is home within the hour and the three of you sit down to a group dinner, something you don't always do, so Bro can break the news to Karkat as well. He doesn't seem nearly as excited as you were, but you notice it in the flicker of his red eyes and the way he almost seems _relieved_. You feel a little offended by that - was the idea of living with you and Bro really that bad, christ - but you assume it probably has more to do with being close to Gamzee and TZ again than it does getting away from you. You don't blame him too much, since you at least have Bro. Outside Trollian, he has no one.

"You two should start packing your shit up soon. You'll be heading out to Rose's house before me and staying there for a few days until I can catch up with the moving truck," Bro says as he scoops another fork full of Thai noodles onto his plate. "Figured it'd be easier that way, won't have you kids in my way while we're moving out of the apartment."

You scoff at him around your mouthful of fried rice, but he makes a good point. You definitely don't want to sit in a moving truck with Bro and Karkat for a day-long ride up to New York. It's possible someone would end up taking some kind of serious physical harm before you even got there.

"So when are we leavin'," you ask, and he fishes around in his jean pocket before pulling up a folded up piece of computer paper. He spreads it out on the table before passing it your way.

"You'll take a plane this weekend. Rose and her mom will meet you at the airport and take you back to their place. John and, uh," he pauses, the very subtle crease between his eyes the only thing to betray his thoughts, and it's pretty clear he's totally forgotten the troll's name.

"Gamzee," Karkat fills in, and it's the first word he's said since he got back and it kind of catches you off guard. You glance in his direction, but his eyes are locked onto the pile of noodles he's pushing around his plate and he continues to ignore you. Asshole.

"Right, yeah. They should be there already. John's dad is getting all their shit moved in now so you're all going to be crammed in with the Lalondes for a few days." You think you see something like a smirk on the corner of his mouth, but you're not really sure what that could be about, so you blow it off. He's a strange, mysterious man, after all.

"So that gives us like two days to pack or something? Way to give us short notice, Bro," you say, looking over the plane ticket receipts and making note of important little details such as "first class" and the words New York. You still can't really get over it.

"Yeah, well, what else is new," he gets up with his empty plate and deposits it in the dishwasher, turning around to face you both again afterward. "Leave all the big shit here, I'll take care of that. I swear I've got some duffle bags and shit for you guys to use. Just have to find them." You see the bright orange of his eyes as they poke over the top of his sunglasses and you follow his gaze up to the latch on the ceiling leading to your little storage attic. You can't even hold back the laugh.

"Good luck with that, man. I am _so_ not going up there."

You stay true to your word, too, and later that evening you step out of the bedroom and stand in the hallway to watch Karkat and Bro fucking with the attic. Bro has pulled the stairs down and is somewhere lost in the dark, cluttered mess that is far more puppet rump than you ever want to see again, and Karkat is standing at the bottom, swearing each time a new puppet rolls down the stairs or drops on his head. You figure he's only helping Bro to further ignore you, but whatever. At least it's not you up to your neck in puppet dong this time.

"Catch," Bro says, deadpan and muffled by the clutter of the attic, and Karkat barely has enough time to throw out his arms and grab the duffle bag that's plummeting down toward him. He scoops it up and sits it at his feet (after kicking a few smuppets out of the way) before looking back up into the musty dimness that is that attic.

You shudder. Man, you hate that fucking attic. Purely just because it's full of smuppets and is totally disgusting, of course, and not at all because it's creepy and when you were four years old you thought a monster lived up there. Nope.

Bro manages to find one more duffle bag and a suitcase, which instead of throwing at Karkat's face he carries down with him when he comes out of the attic. There's a fine layer of dust on his hat and shoulders and you walk over and take the suitcase from him before poking at his shoulder, looking at the film of dirt that comes off.

"When was the last time we cleaned up there?" He says, handing Karkat the duffle bag then swiping his hand across his shoulders and hat, sending a puff of dust your way.

"Uh, never," you say, grabbing a smuppet by it's nose before tossing it back up as far as you can. He watches it for a second before shaking his head and clearing off the staircase so he can close it back up again.

"Just leave 'em down here, I have to start packing all this shit up anyway." You nod at him before reaching over and grabbing the dufflebag that's sitting on Karkat's feet. He stiffens when you get close to him and doesn't let out his breath until you're once again a safe distance away. He's acting like he's fucking _afraid_ of you or something and it honest to god pisses you off. You glare at him over the top of your sunglasses, giving him an honest stare without any sort of obstruction, and he just looks right back at you, completely silent.

"Guess I'll start in on that then, too." You don't look back over your shoulder when you walk away from Karkat, even though you desperately want to.

\---

It doesn't take long before the living room has become a clusterfuck of packed boxes, clothes, and smuppets strewn about the place in the chaos that is trying to shove your's and Bro's entire life into a truck. You've been helping him sort through the smuppets, as much as you hate it, and Karkat has been spending most of his time packing up the movies, video games, and CDs Bro has collected over the years. He still hasn't said more than five words to you since yesterday afternoon and you're doing your damnedest to ignore him right back, mostly because you're pretty confused about the situation and not sure where to go from here.

You toss another smuppet into the bag Bro has reserved for them and roll your shoulders to try to relieve the tension there. This whole thing with Karkat has you stiff and tense all over - the lack of sleep last night as a result probably not helping - and you are really not in the mood to touch another smuppet.

"Where the hell did you even get all these?" He shrugs, stuffing a few more into the bag and tossing one badly torn up one into the trash beside him.

"I dunno, I made some of them. Bought some of the others," he says and you just shake your head at him because quite frankly you don't even want to know. Bro has always been so weird. You sit there surrounded in a myriad of smuppets for a while, not bothering to pick any of them up any more, and it doesn't take long before Bro seems to pick up on your disinterest.

"Why don't you get all of your clothes and shit packed. I don't want to hear your whining when you get to New York and figure out you have to go three days without your iPhone or something," he says, making it pretty obvious that he knows you're not really into packing up smuppets any more without having to say anything. You stand up and clear a path through the disaster that is the living room and head toward the bedroom, glad for the change of pace.

The bedroom is just as bad as the rest of the apartment and you have to kick aside yours and Bro's clothes to be able to make it to the mattress you sleep on. You sit down on it and pull the suitcase closer to you, looking down at the few folded up t-shirts and jeans you've already stuffed in there.

As nice as it is to be moving close to everyone else, you can't really shake the feeling of how weird it is. This has been your home for the majority of your life, time spent in Sburb not-withstanding, and to leave it without much thought seems almost wrong. It's a shitty apartment and there's barely any room for all of you but it's home.

You grab your laundry basket from the corner of the room and pull it closer to you as well, folding the cleaned clothes that you never bothered to put away and shoving it in the suitcase. You're sticking to clothes and mandatory electronics for the time being, since Bro will just bring the rest of it later, which means you're going to run out of things to pack sooner or later. Which means you'll have to find another way to ignore Karkat. Which is just terrible.

You'd prefer not to ignore him at all. You can still feel the warmth of his lips on yours and his hands in your hair and it makes a small, tingly sensation build up in the pit of your stomach when you think about it. You're not really sure when you went from wanting to harass Karkat at every turn to wanting to kiss him, but your brain has decided that it was the next logical course of action. Except it looks like he wants the complete opposite thing as you.

Which doesn't explain why he kissed you yesterday. You ball up the shirt that's in your hands and toss it into the suitcase as hard as you can. It doesn't make any fucking _sense_.  
You almost don't hear the door open at first, but as soon as you do you stiffen, immediately grabbing another arm full of clothes and dumping it on the mattress next to you to sort it. Whoever it is in the doorway stands there quietly for a second before shutting the door behind them, and you sit in complete silence and wait. If he really wants to talk to you he will.

"Dave, look. I didn't mean to, fuck I mean, I don't know," he starts, voice uncertain but relatively steady, and you sit and wait for him to continue. When he doesn't you frustratedly toss a pair of socks into the bag.

"What the fuck do you want, Vantas." You can imagine the wince on his face at the deadpan, ice cold voice you use, and you're glad he feels that way. You hope he feels like the biggest asshole in the world.

"Don't act like that with me, Strider, I'm in here trying to fucking apologize to you for past me being such a moronic waste of space," his voice has a bit of a bite to it, now, and you can tell he really does feel like the biggest asshole. Which is good. You really don't care at all.

"Don't know what you're talking about," you say, and another poor set of underwear faces the brunt of your wrath as you fold them into a neat little square and shove them into the corner of the suitcase. Your clothes is going to be such a mess by the time you get there on Friday but you don't even _care_ because Karkat is being such an insufferable fucking douchebag right now and--

He's standing immediately behind you now, shifting his weight back and forth and looking down at the pile of clothes that's accumulated around you.

"Stop being such a fucking prick for one milisecond, if at all possible, and listen to what I have to say. I'm _trying_ to apologize and it's not really helping that you're sitting there mutilating your underwear and fucking ignoring me," he says, crossing his arms over his chest with a shift of fabric and staring down at the top of your head. You can feel his gaze boring into your scalp and you shrug.

"Right, fine. Spit it out, then." Another pair of socks is tossed to the depths of the suitcase.

"God, I'm _sorry_. Okay? Can we stop playing this game of 'who can ignore who the longest' now? Because if not this trip is going to suck infinitely more than it already is having to share an enclosed space with you for three hours." You don't look up at him, but you stop fucking with your laundry, hands resting on your knees while you stare down at your packed clothes. It's the shittiest non-apology you've ever heard, and you're not exactly sure what he's apologizing for, the kiss or running away or both, but he has a point. Ignoring each other all plane ride is just going to be all kinds of awkward that you don't really want to deal with.

"Fine. Truce," you say, but you don't turn around, and you're not really sure you mean it, because none of this is a good explanation for what happened between you at all. You can tell that he must know that, too, from the way he doesn't remark on your short response.

"Okay. Great," he says, and he shifts again at your side, awkward and uncertain. You let out a deep breath and decide that the only way to make this work for now is just go along with it.

"Go grab that shit over there, all the CDs and whatever. Let's try to get this taken care of." He doesn't say anything, but he complies, and he stays to help you pack up the rest of your clothes and electronics.

\---

The plane ride is relatively uneventful. Karkat spends it in a dazed sort of state, staring at all the people milling about and the planes and the sky like it's all some kind of insanely new and fascinating experience. He tells you that he never expected there to be so many humans, especially adults, just sort of walking around the place. You tell him that you think he's insane, and he punches you in the arm for that. You're both incredibly awkward around each other but for the sake of making this thing work for now you pretend that you aren't.

When you get off the plane it takes all of ten seconds before you see John's arms waving around in a flurry of blue and black and Rose standing next to him, waving at you. You grin at them both, fully and earnestly, and you pull Rose in for a hug when you walk up to them. She gives you a questioning glance when you do, but you ignore it for now. She'll have plenty of time to pry over the next few days.

"You must be Miss Lalonde," you say, and you jokingly take Rose's mom's hand and kiss it, and she giggles like a mad woman. Her skin smells like liquor and you don't fail to notice the little glare Rose is giving you. You laugh it off and instead replace her hand for her mother's, giving it a tight squeeze.

"So what's new, sis?" She rolls her eyes at you but doesn't let go of your hand. You missed her, all her analytical prying and obnoxious stares aside, because in the three years you spent floating out in space she really became like a sister to you and not just your weird ecto-baby twin.

"Dave, come on! Don't forget about me," John is laughing when he flings himself at you and pulls you into a hug. It's only been, what, like two weeks since the game ended, and he acts like he hasn't seen you in years. You put your free hand on his back and pat his shoulder amiably.

"Of course I didn't forget about you, Egbert. How the hell could I with you flinging yourself in my face all the time?" He laughs, his little nerdy laugh, and you shake your head. He grabs one of your bags from you and you don't even argue when he does.

Standing on the other side of Rose's mom is Karkat and who you assume must be Gamzee in human form. His skin is a smooth tan and his hair a messy tangle of dark brown, but the same lazy expression is spread on his face and he's just as tall compared to Karkat as you remember. He isn't wearing any facepaint, though, and the three jagged scars that run from eyebrow to cheek are still there. His eyes are a dark brown and he glances up from Karkat to look at you, sharp and pointed. He never did like you, you remember. He loops his arm around Karkat's shoulder. You glare right back and wonder what Karkat has told him lately.

The car ride back to Lalonde's house is a flurry of conversation you can't keep up with. John is chattering excitedly next to you and Rose is having some kind of passive-aggressive argument with her mother in the front seat. Karkat is sulkily staring out a window and Gamzee is sitting at his side. You don't fail to notice the hand he has on Karkat's knee and you try to squash the flip-flop of emotion in your stomach.

As soon as you get to Rose's house, you lose track of them both. John drags you into the spare room he's taken for himself, saying you can sleep in the other bed, and you try to sound excited on his behalf.

It takes all of your will power not to leave and find Karkat immediately after. Instead you spend the rest of the night with John, talking about shitty movies and letting him show you his collection of prank supplies he brought with him.


	10. not all that you got

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy early Valentine's day, guys. Sorry this took a while - life is kind of chaotic for me lately.

When you wake up the next morning, John is sitting on the edge of your bed, looking at you with wide, worried eyes. You stare at him in sleepy confusion for a split second before you remember where you are, and you reach for your shades while you sit up, slipping them on your face as calmly as you can muster. The staredown he's giving you is pretty unnerving, and you have to fight the urge to fidget uncomfortably. You tangle your hands in the blanket to prevent them from giving you away.

"Sup, bro. I know I'm probably adorable while I sleep but the staring is a bit creepy," your voice is thick with sleep and he laughs in response, shaking his head and putting a hand to his chin. The concerned expression hasn't left his face. You hope you haven't done something incredibly stupid in your sleep. It would pretty much be the icing on the shit cake of your life if John got on your case right away about everything.

"Um, did you know you talk a lot in your sleep? Because you do!" You didn't. You pretend like you have no idea where this conversation is going and you nudge him with your shin to try to get him to move and let you up. When he doesn't seem inclined to do so, you shrug, acting as cool as can be about the whole thing.

"Oh man, did I talk about all the rad dreams I must have been cooking up?" He shakes his head again and he bites his bottom lip, thinking it over for a minute. You start to think that maybe he's not going to say anything at all - which you honestly are hoping is the case, because fuck dealing with your subconscious emotions as soon as you wake up - when he opens his mouth again.

"Not exactly! I didn't really catch any words but you sounded really upset about whatever it was," he says, shifting his weight and putting a hand on your knee through the blanket. "Are you okay? It made me kinda worried, you sounded really scared or something," he trails off and you pause a moment, running a hand over your hair to smooth it down, trying to combat the sleepy mess it's become.

"Yeah, I'm fine, dude. I don't even remember what I was dreamin' about," you say and you're lying, because you always remember what your dreams and night terrors are about, and you're pretty sure John knows that. He looks at you intently for a moment and you feel like you could vanish into the bed beneath you with the stare he is giving you. He has gotten far too good at reading through your coolkid exterior in the years you've been friends during Sburb. It has it's advantages at times, but this isn't one of them.

"If you say so, Dave. But, you know, I'll listen if you wanna talk about it. And I promise I won't even psycho-analyze it like Rose would." You both laugh at that, awkward and a bit tense but welcomed, and he stands up to give you room to move. You feel bad for lying to him, because he tells you everything on almost a daily basis and you've been trying to be more open with him as well. He is your best friend, after all. You make a mental note to tell him later, when you're not feeling so tired and vulnerable about the matter.

"I'll remember that," you mutter, swinging your legs over the side of the bed and stretching away the lingering sluggishness of sleep. The alarm at the side of John's bed says it's ten in the morning and you want to groan because normally you don't like to be up before noon, and the change in time zone doesn't really even help you here. You figure Karkat is probably still asleep. 

You immediately wish you hadn't thought about it.

"Alright, well I'm gonna go get breakfast! Hurry up or you'll miss all the cinnamon rolls. It's funny but Gamzee loves them and they're normally gone really really fast when we make them," he gives you a friendly wave when he leaves the room, shutting the door behind him so you can change in peace, and you flop back down onto your bed with a groan.

You honestly don't feel up to this today. The last thing you really want to do is deal with everyone else while you are so confused about Karkat and whatever the fuck this hot mess of a situation is, but you guess that's life. You know Aradia and Sollux are here somewhere as well and you haven't even seen either of them yet. You feel obliged to hunt the other time player down as soon as you can. You had spent nearly as much time with her as you had Karkat during your time in the meteor, exchanging tips and tricks and honing your abilities, and it'd be nice to see her.

You force yourself to sit up, rubbing at your face with your palms. Your inner turmoil can wait for later. John said something about cinnamon rolls and you are hell bent on getting as many as possible. You can't really remember the last time you had a real breakfast (normally you skip straight to lunch) but it sounds far better than sitting up here mourning your lack of a love life.

Or whatever. Calling it that sort of makes your skin crawl a little in an apprehensive way. You haven't thought of Karkat like that yet and you're not exactly sure you want to. You're not exactly sure what you want from him in general, to be perfectly honest.

You can think about it more later, you tell yourself as you start to change into something other than your boxer shorts. Right now it's breakfast time.

\---

By the time you get to the kitchen it has already dissolved into a clatter of dishes and rapid-fire conversation. You scan the room from the hallway before entering. John's dad and Rose's mom are leaning against the counter together, his arm around her waist and her hand clutching what you think is probably some kind of cocktail. Rose is sitting beside Kanaya at the table, shooting her mother exasperated looks every now and then, both girls poking at cinnamon rolls with forks. You roll your eyes. Rose would eat a cinnamon roll with a fork.

You spot John standing by the oven, pulling out another pan of cinnamon rolls while who you guess must be Sollux watches him with feigned disinterest. You take a moment to look Sollux over before you walk up next to them, noticing the dirty blonde hair and the dark brown eyes with interest. It's weird, how the game twisted them into something else. It's not how he's supposed to look, you think, but it somehow fits him and rather than seeming out of place it just seems natural. His skin is an even tan, ligther than Gamzee's but still apparent, and you think for a moment that he actually looks pretty damn handsome.

This is actually sort of a surprise to you, considering what troll-Sollux looked like with his awkward, crooked teeth and stupid dual horns.

"Strider," he greets you with a nod when you walk up next to John and you return the gesture. His teeth aren't in the way any more, but he still a lisp, a less pronounced mimickry of his previous speech impedement. You want to make fun of him for it, but you resist the urge. You'd never really gotten close to Sollux at all during the game. He has remained somewhat of a rather uninteresting mystery to you, so you are both simply cordial to each other the way a friend of a friend would act.

"Hey Dave! Go ahead and grab a plate from over on the counter and help yourself, Dad said I should make extra since there are so many of us here now." John takes your attention away from Sollux and you have to fight back a grin when you look at the two trays of oversized breakfast pastries that John has spread out in front of him.

"Damn Egbert, are you feeding an army or a household?" You grab a plate while you talk, reaching over the oven and plucking two freshly frosted rolls from the tray John is currently working on, making sure to bump into him and get in his way. He flings a glob of icing at you, scowling.

"Dude, there are finished ones right over there! Stay out of the chef's way." He giggles when he says it, possibly because the icing is now dripping down your cheek, and you rub it off on the back of your hand before rinsing your hand off in the sink.

"Gotta get the freshest rolls though, bro. Striders only settle for the best. You know how it is," you say, leaning against the counter next to him and taking a bite of one of the rolls. It burns your lip a little and you end up with icing on your face again, and you glare through your shades at the offending thing. You are starting to see the virtue in eating them with a fork. You refuse to stoop to that level, though. Striders are too cool for silverware when not absolutely necessary.

You turn to Sollux while you take another bite of cinnamon roll, this one more careful and precise.

"So where's Aradia? Not a breakfast fan?" Sollux shrugs, picking at a single roll on a plate that you assume John has handed him. He doesn't seem particularly interested in breakfast either, to be honest, but with the enthusiam John is showing about these cinnamon rolls you know even he'd feel bad turning them down.

"She's probably in the library again," he says it almost affectionately, but you aren't really sure since everything Sollux says just sounds incredibly bored. You nod, deciding you'll go find her later, and push off away from the counter to take a seat by Rose and Kanaya. Might as well make the rounds while you're here.

Rose glances up at you when you sit down, a small smile on her pale face.

"Good morning, Dave. Are you aware you have icing on your chin?" You rub at it with your thumb, licking it off afterward and shrugging.

"Nope." She shakes her head.

"Your brother called this morning. He said he'll be leaving around noon your time today, so he should be here late tomorrow." You nod, not really all that interested in when Bro's going to be arriving, since you knew already what his general plan was and Striders normally stick to their plans. You finish off your first roll before starting in on the second, glad that it's cooled down to a more manageable level by this point.

"So just one more day in your creepy-ass mansion. That's cool," you say it as a joke but you are only kind of joking, to be honest, because Rose's oversized house does sort of give you the creeps. It's full of strange scientific equipment and statues of wizards and both of these things are pretty fucking eerie.

You do like the dead cats that are frozen in little blue blocks around the place. You really have to ask Rose's mom about that, since it seems like a far better method than keeping shit in jars.

You think Rose would probably have a field day examining that little desire of yours. You decide not to tell her when you do go to her mother about it.

You sit in silence, eating your breakfast while Kanaya and Rose chatter away in their equally soft, feminine voices. Even though it's been twenty minutes since you've got here, you notice that Gamzee and Karkat have never once come down for breakfast. You guess they could both still be asleep, but you can't help but be incredibly disappointed (and maybe something else, that you don't want to examine too hard, thank you very much). 

"So, where's everyone else?" You make it sound like you don't really care that much, that you hadn't just been thinking about it, but Rose looks at you with a very small flicker of pity anyway. You hate her for that, sometimes. She can see right through you, like years of coolkid training and apathy aren't worth anything at all.

"I can't say I've seen anyone else around yet today," she says and the way she says it makes you want to give up right there, but instead you just shrug. Kanaya is looking at you the same way as Rose and you decide to cram the rest of your breakfast as fast as possible, because you cannot handle that shit, it is like Rose times two up in here and it is too damn much for you this early in the day.

You finish your roll, dump the plate in the sink, and promise Egbert that you'll meet him in the living room in a bit to play stupid video games with him, but for now you want to explore the house. This isn't entirely a lie: since you've arrived, you've only really seen the path from the front door to the bedroom you share with John, and you're genuinely curious to have a better look around. It's just not your only intention.

The house is deceptively large. When you had first arrived, you hadn't actually expected there to be this much in it, but you were completely and utterly wrong. There's a library in here somewhere, an observatory off to the side of the building, and if Rose is to be believed (which you're sure she is) a lab somewhere beneath the whole thing.

You spend the next few minutes walking through the halls, ear bud tucked in to one ear and listening to your iPhone while you wander, half-hoping you'll find Karkat somewhere, the other half adamantly hoping that you don't. You're not sure what you would even say to him, or how he'd react to you, since it seems he's gone back to pretending you don't exist. You aren't sure it's something you ever really want to deal with, at this point, since dealing with it pointedly seems to be a thing that is not going too well.

Because this is your life, after all, you find what you weren't really looking for anyway.

When you decide to peek into the door to what you think looks like some kind of study or lounge or something, you notice that there's someone else in the room. From your vantage point in the doorway you can see them, but you're pretty confident they are too distracted to see you.

Your chest feels like it sinks into your stomach.

Karkat is laying across the couch, his back pressed to Gamzee's chest, their legs a tangled mess of person in one big heap. Gamzee's fingers are trailing through Karkat's hair and you can see the little kisses he's pressing to the top of Karkat's head. Karkat is talking, a soft lull of words that you can't quite make out, even when you pause your music, and you suddenly want to bash your head into the wall, because you feel enormously stupid.

Because you are actually, honest-to-god jealous.

You're jealous that Gamzee gets to hold him like that and you're even more jealous that Karkat appears to be talking to Gamzee calmly and openly about whatever it is he's talking about. You hate them both for a split second, but the feeling doesn't really stick.

You know they're best friends, moirails or whatever it's called, but you don't care.

It feels like he's betraying you somehow. You feel stupid and annoyed and frustrated all in one blur of emotion and you don't really think about it when you stamp your foot in annoyance, like a stupid, idiotic child, and you immediately hate yourself for doing it because now you have their attention.

There's a shuffle of movement and red eyes are looking up at you from the couch and you know that Karkat sees you, because he starts to sit up a little more and he moves his hand as if he's going to gesture toward you.

You don't see it. You abscond from the hallway before he can open his mouth all the way, and you don't hear whatever it is he was going to say, the sound of his voice lost in the open hallway behind you. You don't stop to think about it, taking the hallway at a brisk walk, turning into the first set of doors you find and shutting them again behind you.

You have to stop to catch your breath, and you're not sure if it's from the way you just ran away or the feelings swirling around in your chest.

When Aradia walks up to you and rests a hand on your arm, you nearly jump out of your skin.

"Oh my, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to scare you," she says it with obvious concern, and you frantically throw your cool-kid mask back into place before she has a moment to get a good look at you. You laugh a little, awkward and not entirely sincere, and shake your head.

"Nah, it's cool. I didn't even know you were in here," you look around the room you blindly stepped in to, checking everything over. The walls are covered in books, scientific manuals and research materials with regular literature placed throughout, and there's a small gathering of rather plush looking chairs in the middle of the room.

"I didn't even know what room this was when I came in here. Sollux told me you'd be here," you say, as you walk across the room and take a seat in one of the chairs. The couch across from you is covered in books, opened to various different pages, and the small half circle in the center leads you to believe that that was where Aradia had been sitting a minute ago.

"I like it in here. There's all kinds of books about all kinds of things, like Earth's history and all these ancient civilizations of humans," she says it with rapt awe, following you across the room and taking a seat in her previous spot. She pulls one of the bigger books onto her lap and gets lost in the pictures, seemingly forgetting about your prescence for a moment.

You take this time to look her human self over for the first time, the long mess of wavy red hair and the impossibly pale skin, and you smile just a bit. Just like with Sollux, it fits her incredibly well, despite the difference.

She seems to remember that you're there, and she closes the book with a dull thump, giving you a gentle look of concern. You wish people would stop looking at you like that today. You are beginning to feel like there's something horribly wrong with you and that everyone knows it but you.

"What were you running away from so fast? It looked like you were going to break the door you closed it so hard!" You hesitate a moment, perhaps for too long, and a look of understanding seems to cross her face. She props her elbows on her knees and rests her chin on her palms, looking directly at your eyes even with the shades firmly in place.

"Karkat and Gamzee are still down the hall, aren't they?"

You suddenly regret all the times you told her about how Vantas and you had been getting along on the meteor, all the awkward kisses and confusing touches you'd share as pre-teen boys growing into adulthood way too soon. You're not entirely unconvinced Rose hasn't told her about your current predicament on top of it, what with the way Aradia is looking at you right now.

"I didn't even notice," you say it with as much detachment as you can muster. She looks right through it.

"You're lying and you're really bad at it." She shifts a little on the couch, twirling a curly strand of hair between her fingers and getting lost in thought for a second. "Rose and I have already talked about this. Have you actually talked to Karkat about how you feel?"

"Nothing to talk about," you are being too short and too disinterested with her and it's only making matters worse. She huffs at you and pouts, crossing her arms and giving you a good glare. You don't mean to upset her, but you can't help it. This isn't something you're very comfortable talking about.

"Oh come on, Dave! I can tell when you're not telling the truth, I spent more time with you than anybody," she pauses, tilts her head, "except maybe Karkat."

"What am I supposed to say, 'Dia? I don't even know what the fuck is going on with him any more. He's ignored me for the past two days and now he's off having cuddle time with his crazy fucking juggalo friend, never to be heard from again." She actually rolls her eyes at you - she needs to stop being around Rose so much, the snarky girl thing is starting to wear off on her - and she sighs.

"That's why you man up and talk to him. Figure out how he feels! Gamzee is is moirail, they're probably just having a feelings jam. They've been separated for three weeks, after all. It's been hard for me even with my moirail around." You take a deep breath, leaning your head back against the chair and staring up at the ceiling. She's right. You over-reacted. Gamzee is his best friend and moirails are cuddly and weird like that all the time - you've seen it a hundred times before, and you've had Terezi come to you for a "feelings jam" plenty of times over the last three years of Sburb. It's not unfamiliar to you.

"Being a human is confusing. I'm not really sure how I feel about a lot of things, even Sollux, and he's been my moirail for years. We had different hormones, emotions, and relationships as trolls that we don't have as humans any more, with a whole new set of feelings and relationships to figure out," she presses her fingertips into the palm of her hand while she talks, a nervous response to the conversation topic. Other than that small movement, however, she's calm and collected, and you're thankful for that.

"Give him some time. Having his moirail close will help him," she looks back up at you, green eyes meeting yours with a firm certainty. "Then go talk to him."

You feel very stupid for not coming to this conclusion yourself, but you're glad Aradia is here. She's easier to talk to than Rose, sometimes, but her advice is always solid, the practical eye of someone who has lost everything and been given it back again, multiple times over. She looks at the world with a calm sense of certainty and appreciation.

"Thanks. Striders aren't very good at dealing with emotions, you know," you say, and she laughs a little at that.

"That's why you need to sort out how you feel, too. Try talking to John about it! He's kind of like your moirail, right?" She's right, but you aren't sure how you feel about telling John all the details. He doesn't exactly strike you as the relationship expert, but you figure it's probably your best bet. You resolve to bring it up if the time is right later today.

You sit in amiable silence for a moment, Aradia picking up another book and flipping through the pages without too much focus, you staring at the window high-set in the wall and watching with mild interest at the rain that's falling outside. 

When your phone beeps with a pesterChum message (dude where are you it's about to be video game time!) you remember that you had told John you'd meet him in a bit for whatever horrible game he's planned to subject you to. You tell Aradia that, and she nods.

"Talk to him! I mean it, Dave. I'll torment you for days if you don't." You know that she is probably being perfectly serious, because she is kind of creepy that way. At least becoming human had a vast improvement on the piss-your-pants terrifying factor of troll vocal cords. You get to your feet and pocket your phone.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Want me to send Sollux this way if I see him?"

"Oh, sure! I found some stuff I bet he'd like to read, too." You don't ask because, quite frankly, you don't care at all about whatever musty old book Aradia found. Not that you don't like books. You just find it hard to care if it's something Sollux, probably the most boring of boring people, would find interesting.

You leave the room, retracing your footsteps to head back toward the living room where John has presumably set up the video games he's got planned for you. You avoid the room Karkat and Gamzee were in, walking past it briskly and not looking inside.


	11. cynophobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took so long to get posted! I've been working way more hours at work and it's been eating up my time and motivation lately. But I finally have something to post so hooray!
> 
> Some quick things: SO hit over 100 kudos and 3k hits. Holy crap. Thanks guys. <3 There's probably only two more chapters-ish after this one, so it's nearing the end, but there's still a bit more to be put together. Also, should anyone be interested, I tend to crosspost everything to my [writing tumblr](http://terminalityfic.tumblr.com/) where I also post snippets of things and other bits about writing (such as requests, etc). Feel free to follow me if you're interested in any of that.

After your fifth consecutive loss in Mario Kart, John sits down the controller and turns to you with a look that says "you will talk and you will talk now" plastered on his face. His brow is furrowed in thought and he's looking at you like he's attempting to take you apart with his eyes and lay out the pieces until he can figure out what exactly is wrong.

"You never lose that much! What's wrong? You aren't letting me win, are you?" You shrug, sitting down your own controller and leaning back against the couch. You're sitting on the floor, John at your side and an assorted pile of blankets and pillows strewn about the two of you, and you stare ahead at the television so he can't get a good read on your face. You don't trust the glasses to be enough if he starts to really pry. You are horrible at lying to John.

"Nah, of course not. You're just the master at Mario Kart. I can't keep up with your mad skills," you say, and he laughs and pokes you in the arm in response.

"BS! You're better than me at Mario Kart and you know it." He turns to face you and you continue focusing on the pause screen for the game, trying to look at anything but him. Aradia said to talk it over, but you find that you can't really bring yourself to mention it. It's not that you think he wouldn't understand - it's more that you aren't sure he'd be much help and you aren't sure how much you feel like telling him.

"Daaave, come on. You've been sulking since you got here." You shoot him a glare and he laughs.

"I don't sulk, Egbert. Sulking is decidedly on the list of things that 'aren't cool,' in case you didn't know. You got to start keeping notes on this shit, man. You're falling behind." He rolls his eyes at you and flops back against the couch dramatically, crossing his arms.

"Now who's sulking?" You ask, and he hits you with a pillow.

"Oh my god Dave you are so frustrating! Seriously dude," he says, jabbing you in the rib when he does, and you flinch away from him and wrap your arms around your ribs to protect them from his constant poking. He gives up, leaning back and looking at you intently.

"If you don't want to talk to me that's fine, Dave." Crap. That was the exact thing you were trying to avoid, him feeling like it's something he's done wrong and not just you being a confused, hormonal teenager. You shake your head, putting a hand on his leg in a rare gesture of friendship.

"That's not it, man, you know me. You're my best bro, I'd tell you anything." You take a deep breath. You figure now is as good a time as any to say something, and you try to collect yourself and you think, okay, Dave, how exactly do you start this conversation? With "so I think I have a huge crush on Vantas?" --

when you are suddenly rudely interrupted by the shrill sound of someone screeching in excitement as a door opens down the hall. You have approximately three seconds to comprehend that before there is a blur of white and you are being assaulted by the last thing you could ever want to see in the entire world: Becquerel.

You let out a rather unmanly yell when he comes at your chest, swearing "oh jegus fuck" around the same time John practically scrambles back onto the couch going "good boy, good scary big white dog, stay over there okay" in a high-pitched whine of a voice.

It's not that you're afraid of dogs. Okay, maybe you are a little. But that's beside the point. It's more that you are afraid of Bec, strange First Guardian powers or not, because he is big and invasive and really, _really_ reminds you of Noir. And he's currently up in your face trying to sniff and lick every available part of you.

"Bec! Come back here, you're such a bad dog. Oh my gosh Dave your _face_ ," you pull yourself up onto the couch beside John when Bec retreats away from you at the sound of Jade's voice, and you take a moment to collect yourself and straighten out your glasses (which are now covered in dog slobber, disgusting) before you look up in the doorway.

Jade is standing there, arms full of random baggage, her face nearly radiating in a huge smile. She drops her belongings in the hall just in time for John to launch himself at her, arms wrapping around her neck and pulling her level to him and into a tight hug.

"I didn't know you guys were almost here! You should have called," John says, and you stay where you are on the couch, watching them both with mild interest while keeping a wary eye on Bec at Jade's side. You let them get their sibling moment out of the way, sitting awkwardly away from them while they are lost in their conversation, and you don't even see Terezi walk up next to you until she sits down on the couch.

"Hey there coolkid," she says, and she smiles at you, and even though she's now lacking the rows of shark-like teeth, she still manages to look a little menacing. She is, you duly note, a blonde. She still looks at you out of dead, dark brown eyes, however, and you feel guilty for some reason, like its your fault the game didn't give her that back even though it gave her a new body. You wonder how she's handling getting around with a new sense of smell, but you don't ask, not sure if it's something she'd want to talk to you about just yet.

"Hey TZ. 'Bout time you showed up to the party." She snorts, latching onto your arm with her hands and leaning into you. You give her an amiable pat on the thigh.

"Planes are so weird, Dave. You never told me how many humans there were or how delicious your strange little bags of nuts are." You stare at her, puzzled, before realizing she must mean the complimentary bags of peanuts you normally find on plane rides. You cringe. She would like that nasty shit, you are seriously not at all surprised.

"Yeah, well when you first met me, there were four. Remember?" She nods, thoughtful, before leaning back against the arm of the couch, her blank eyes sweeping over you. Even though she can't see you, you have always had an eerie feeling that she can see _inside_ you. You figure it must come from her powers as the Hero of Mind. You wonder how much of that she has retained - you know faint traces of power has remained for you and the others - and you shift uncomfortably when she continues to look right at your face, unblinking.

"I think we're long overdue for a talk! As a matter of fact, I decree it. You and I are going to have a feelings jam." She cackles when you groan. You wonder how much she knows, and you realize, when she gets to her feet and pulls you along beside her, that of course she knows way more than she should. She's Terezi. She's capable of reading you like an open book.

You shoot John and Jade a nod when you walk past and neither seems to mind much, just returning the gesture in kind. Your weird troll best friends relationship with Terezi has been about the only consistent thing in your life since you entered Sburb, and they don't seem too surprised that you'd want to head off for a "touching reunion" or whatever now that you're back together again. You lead Terezi through the hall and back toward your's and Egbert's shared bedroom, and while you do you think that maybe she's the best choice for this. John might be able to give you words of moral support, but Terezi has known both you and Karkat longer and in greater depth than anyone else around. She has the unique perspective of knowing you both far too well.

Being the Seer of Mind probably helps, too.

When you get to the bedroom, you shut the door behind you, helping her get situated on John's bed while you take a seat on your own. She seems annoyed that you have to help her, a clear sign that her ability to get around without eyesight has been dampered by her sudden species change, and you feel pretty bad about that. With how caught up you've been with your own problems and emotions you've kind of forgot about what it must be like for them.

You think that's probably a huge part of your problem.

Terezi clears her throat, legs dangling off the edge of the bed and blank eyes transfixed on your face. She is really good at making eye contact and doing that "staring into the depths of your soul, for real" thing.

"So, Mr. Strider. The accusation is that you are being a 'big, huge, stinky stupid head.' Is this true?" You groan, resisting the urge to smack yourself in the face.

"Are those Jade's words? Because I sure hope 'stupid head' isn't all the sick burns you can churn out, TZ, or I think my three years of coolkid training have gone to waste on you." She giggles, hysterical and overenthusiastic.

"Of course I can insult better than that, dunkass. But that's beside the point! The case is still present: are you being stupid?" She pauses for a moment to lean forward on her knees, smiling her creepy little serpent-like grin, tongue darting out to lick her lips. It might be a new body for her, but apparently old, horribly terrifying, nightmare-inducing habits die hard. You shudder.

"Don't even bother to deny it, coolkid. I know better than that! It's not actually a question. All the evidence points to the fact that you are being a difficult moron!" She gives you a good, hard look, then goes quiet, as if she's waiting for you to say something.

It occurs to you then, probably a bit too late, that Terezi knows way too much. That she has to already know everything.

And that Karkat has probably talked to her countless times over the course of the past few weeks.

Well fuck. Maybe John would have been the better bet after all.

"I am not being a difficult moron. I am chill as fuck. I am so chill that even the heat of Texas--" she cuts you off with an agitated sigh.

"Jegus christ, Dave. I am being serious here! This is a very serious discussion we're having about a very important topic." She looks about ready to jump across the divide between beds and tear at you she's so clearly annoyed, and you decide to lay off a bit, because yeah, she's right. This is an issue. It is a problem that you've been ignoring for several days - hell, for three fucking years if you really want to get down to it - and it's about time you manned the fuck up and actually faced it.

You take a deep breath.

"So I think I have a huge fucking crush on Vantas. Like, as in, swooning like a Japanese school girl, pining aimlessly for days, staring off into space kind of crush," you start, feeling even more stupid than the time you IMd Rose about it because now you are saying it out loud and that means it's true and that is just something you don't really think you're ever going to be okay at facing.

"Well duh," she says, and the way she says it is so nonchalant, so unsuprised, that you sort of want to reach over and shake her because this is a big fucking deal, doesn't she see that? Doesn't she realize that you just actually said that out loud? Shit like that doesn't come easy from a Strider, goddammit.

You try to ignore the fact that you can feel your face getting a bit flushed, and you're thankful she can't see it.

"Man, and here I thought I was breaking out some kind of sweet-ass surprise. Guess Miss Expert Detective would already know that, huh? Probably pickin' around in my brain or some shit." You can't help but sound a little irritated when you say it, and you immediately feel guilty, because she earnestly frowns.

"Fuck you, Dave Strider. I'm not some outlet for your repressed sexual tension," she says, snorting under her breath and leaning back against the pillows on John's bed. "And I'm a Legislacerator, stupid, not a 'detective.'" You sigh, pushing your sunglasses to the top of your head and rubbing at your eyes.

"Okay, okay. Sorry," you say, pressing your palms against your eyelids until it hurts a little and you see little flashes of light. You aren't sure what to do from here, so you decide on what you do best when you're sucking hardcore at keeping up the coolkid front:

you ramble.

"It's like I want to shove my tongue in his throat but punch him to death at the same time. He's infuriating, always has been, always will be, but goddamn is he attractive, and there's just something--" you cut yourself off before you can go on and say something even more incriminating, and she laughs, and you want to clamp your hand over your mouth and rewind back in time because yeah, while all those things are true, you seriously just said Karkat was attractive. Out loud. To Terezi.

"Tell me something I don't know," she shifts her weight, crosses her legs and grabs ahold of one of John's pillows, sticking her fingers in it and poking it into a contorted shape. You imagine she'd be tearing it to shreds if she still had claws. For Egbert's sake, you're glad she doesn't.

"You are both the most infuriating cherry red assholes I have ever met in my entire life. Seriously! I think if I just took your heads and bashed them together we'd solve this problem faster." You scoff, because that is a horrible mental image yet you can totally see her doing it. Just grabbing you both by your hair and shoving your face into his and suddenly you are thinking about making out again and that is not what you need to be thinking about right now.

At all.

"Oh come on, TZ baby, you know you love us," you say, and she sighs dramatically and tosses the pillow at your head and somehow manages to hit you square in the face. You don't even think to catch it. You are getting out of shape with that sort of thing and you feel stupid that you even let it hit you.

"I do! Stupid idiots. That's exactly why you need to get your shit together," she says, and her eyes narrow. "So I can stop hearing him whining all day about 'Strider and his coolkid attitude and what do I do,'" you burst out laughing in only the way Terezi can cause, because her voice is just so perfect, a dead ringer for Karkat's uptight little ranty tone, "and I can stop knowing how pathetic you are." That last bit kills your mirth, and you groan, chucking the pillow back at her in retaliation. She ducks effortlessly to the side and you feel even more like a moron because you couldn't dodge the damn thing and you have your eyesight still.

"Well what the fuck am I supposed to do then, TZ? Spill my guts? That's pretty un-Strider-like," you say, tone of voice dead serious even though you are mostly joking. You think you know what you need to do, which is stop being such a damn moron and just sit down and talk to him.

Eventually.

Maybe.

God this is harder than it should be.

"I can smell you having an internal debate over there, Dave. My advice to you, as an expert in Karkat-ology, is to just go for it. Maybe say all that stuff to him that you told me, hmm?" She cackles. "With the tongue and the punching and attractiveness and everything, don't skimp out on any details. Because I am totally going to tell him myself if you don't."

You almost choke on your tongue at that and you sputter at her, completely flustered.

"Oh hell no, Terezi. You had better keep your freaky mouth shut or I swear to gog I will stop talking to you forever and you will cry yourself to sleep every single night because there will be a lack of my sick beats and killer jokes in your life." She snorts at you, getting up off of John's bed and taking a seat at your side instead, one skinny arm looping around your waist.

"Of course I would," she tilts her head to the side, like she's thinking about it for a moment. "Which is why you have to man up and say something before I do." You groan, irritated because you know she's being one-hundred percent honest with you, but you know she's right. You know Aradia was right. You should probably listen to these crazy, batshit insane girls in your life more often.

When Terezi breaks into another bout of crazed-sounding laughter, you change your mind.

You sit in silence after that, her arm on your waist and your hand on her knee, purely platonic and amiable, and she tells you about Jade's island and how there's nothing interesting there and how she thinks she likes cities better. You listen, giving a grunt in agreement here and there, and before long there is a knock at the door and John and Jade are peeking their heads around the edge, looking you both over.

"Hey guys! Lunch or I guess dinner at this point is gonna be ready in a few minutes. You should probably head down there soon," John says, looking between you and Terezi and raising an eyebrow at you. You roll your eyes under your shades and shrug, figuring he'll harass you about it later, and Terezi sneaks out from under your hand to take a few steps through the room.

"You heard him, coolkid. I'm starving," she says, walking up to John and latching onto his arm with a gleeful smile. He almost cringes when she does, visibly uncomfortable in her grip. He has never really adjusted to being around her - she's all sharp teeth and abrasive personality and has no sense of personal space - and you think what she did to Vriska probably doesn't help matters. You understand, probably more than he knows ("can you do it or not, coolkid?") but you aren't going to bail him out, simply offering him a shrug when he looks pleadingly in your direction.

"How about you help this lovely lady find her way around, hmm?" The way she draws out the word "lovely" makes your skin almost crawl and you are distinctly impressed with how creepy she still is even without the added touch of troll tossed in the mix. It takes all of your years of coolkid practice to not openly laugh at his perdicament.

When she's dragged him out the door, you come up next to Jade, giving her your best gentlemanly look and offering her an arm.

"How about you, madam? Need an escort?" You say it in your most exaggerated southern drawl possible and she giggles at you, grabbing your sleeve.

"Hehe, of course! From a fine gentlemen like a Strider, I couldn't say no." You walk in a comfortable silence back toward the dining room. You can tell she wants to ask you more, can tell that she's keyed in to what's happening with you lately because of Terezi, and you pretend like you don't know. You feel like a shitty friend for not talking to John or Jade about it, but you just find that you can't. You will, eventually. After you've figured things out.

You hope that's good enough.

\---

Dinner is a spread of too much shit for any one household to eat. There's salad, some chicken and pork cooked in various ways, more kinds of sides and vegetables than you've ever seen on a dinner table before, and glasses of juice and wine all around. It's the biggest dinner you have ever experienced in your life, more because Bro has never been much of a cook and you've both been too lazy to learn how than anything else, and you don't really know where to start at first.

You make up your mind pretty fast:

You start with a heaping order of "stare at Karkat while he walks into the room," and immediately feel like the biggest moron on the entire planet when he catches you doing so. His eyes narrow a little, but other than that he doesn't seem to acknowledge you, and he takes a seat between Jade and Gamzee, far enough down the long table to prevent you from effectively carrying on a conversation with him. You watch him out of the corner of your eye throughout the meal, and on several occassions you have to ask John to repeat what he's said, because you were just not focusing on him at all.

Every time you do, Terezi laughs. You have to fight the urge to childishly stick your tongue out at her in response. (You fail to resist at least once and she grins like a moron like she knows you did it, the smug jerk that she is.)

Rose's mom discusses school with everyone now that you're here. She's been home-schooling Rose, it seems, and Jade has enough computer programs worth of lessons to last everyone all the way through high school. You had always wondered how Jade had gotten any sort of education on that island of hers, and now that you know, you feel stupid for having even wondered, because of course that's the answer. The girl only had a dreambot and everything, why wouldn't she have school at home.

She tells you to talk to Bro about it in detail when he gets here, and you nod, and watch Karkat out of the corner of your eye, and barely eat any of the food you piled on your plate.

By the end of dinner you want nothing more than to lock yourself in your room, shove your headphones on, and pretend no one else exists. You're burned out on people and awkward interactions for probably an entire lifetime, and when you get to your feet after you're done shoving your food around your plate, John just gives you an understanding nod rather than asking you if you'd like to hang out. If there's one thing you can be thankful about for him, it's that he has learned to read you pretty well by now.

You take the stairs back up to the bedrooms two at a time, slipping into the room and practically collapsing into bed. It's barely even six o'clock at night and you're already ready to pass the fuck out, and you pull out your iPhone and slip on your headphones, losing yourself in music.

It doesn't take long before you are out cold, a lack of sleep and the stress of the past few days finally taking it's toll on you. When you do wake up again, it's three hours later and it's the sound of your pesterChum instant message notification blaring over your headphones that gets your attention. You jump a little when it wakes you, fumbling for where your phone has fallen during your way-too-long-to-be-healthy nap, and you open the chat client, reading over your new messages a few times before you finally process them all.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 19:06 --

EB: dave!  
EB: dave since everyone is here now we're gonna all get together and play games and stuff and catch up!  
EB: looks like you probably fell asleep or something, nice one dude. haha.  
EB: well just meet us down there asap okay? see you then!

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestergain turntechGodhead [TG] --

It's from about an hour ago, but it's average John stuff. You aren't surprised that they'd want to put together a big movie and game extravanganza, and you have to admit that you're pretty excited for it. It'll be the first time everyone has sat down together since the final part of the game, and there's a lot to catch up on.

You have two more blinking chat windows, too.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 20:10 --

TT: Hey  
TT: Gonna be rolling into town in about 11 hours or some shit  
TT: Have your shit ready to move to the new house when i get there

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

It's Bro this time and you shoot back a quick "kay," figuring he'd probably get pissed if you just ignored it. He's probably driving so you don't really wait for a response of any kind, opting to close out of the chat window instead.

When you open the third chat window, you have to do a double take, and you think your stomach crawls up into your throat.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 20:13 --

CG: HEY.  
CG:  
CG: FUCK OF COURSE YOU AREN'T THERE, OF COURSE YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE MY LIFE EASIER BY ACTUALLY ANSWERING ME.  
CG:  
CG:  
CG: WE NEED TO TALK, ALL RIGHT??? JUST.  
CG: MESSAGE ME BACK OR WHATEVER.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

"Fuck," you swear as you click the window to open your chumRoll. Of course Karkat's not online any more, you only missed the asshole by like five minutes and he's already signed back off. You figure it probably has something to do with Egbert's previously mentioned party in the living room, and you reread Karkat's message a few times before resigning yourself to having to get up.

You take off your headphones, put your phone securely in your pocket, and decide to change your shirt, since it's now a wrinkled mess from your impromptu nap. You change into the first thing you get your hands on - a dark red button-up Bro bought you ages ago, which you guess is pretty appropriate - and straighten your hair out with a comb.

You take a deep breath before heading out the door and down the hall, and you almost run smack dap into Sollux on the stairs, you're so caught up in your thoughts of Karkat and what he might want from you. He raises an eyebrow at you before giving you a halfhearted, teasing smirk.

"Sleeping to avoid that hot mess? Sounds like a plan," he says and you shake your head in response.

"Nah man, just gettin' in my beauty sleep for everyone sees me. Gotta look my best, y'know?" He rolls his eyes before moving to walk past you again and you turn, stopping him.

"What, sick of the Egbert-styled gameathon already?" He shrugs and completely ignores you on his way up the stairs and you cross your arms over your chest and snort. He's a difficult prick and you've never really gotten along well with him, so whatever.

You take the rest of the stairs in one smooth leap, jumping down a good four of them and landing with a dull thud on the carpeted floor, and you straighten out your shirt and jeans when you land before heading toward the living room at a steady, coolkid stroll.

When you entered the room, Jade and John both wave at you enthusiastically, Rose nods mildly in your direction, and you realize that there is only one open spot to sit down in the entire room after you've already walked away from the wall and door:

right next to Karkat (with Gamzee off to the side for good measure).

You try not to show your surprise at this turn of events, heading over to the spot on the couch where Karkat has curled himself into the corner, staring intently at whatever game John is playing now, and you take a seat like it's not a big deal. You see him stiffen next to you, but other than that, it's the only response you get.

Well great. This will be the most fun game and moviethon in the entire world. You just know this had to have been planned and you have a sneaking suspiscion by whom.

When you look across the room and catch sight of Terezi and Rose, both of them smiling in that stupid little smug way, your suspicions are confirmed, and you resign yourself to the most awkward "hang out" in all of existence.


	12. mario party is bullshit (and you fucking hate it)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy belated 413, everyone. <3 This chapter took me a while to actually manage to write, so sorry about that. Thanks for all the support. <3

You spend the first hour or so in the living room trying to focus your attention on literally everything but the boy at your side. You scan the room for snacks, gather up a few different bags of candy that were littered on the floor, and try to make a show of eating them as slowly as possible. They give you something to focus on that's not how close Karkat's arm is to yours and how much you really wouldn't mind if he were to reach out and grab your hand or something like that.

You shove a handful of gummies in your mouth to force yourself to stop thinking about it. To your left, Terezi giggles. She's taken up residence on the only free spot on the couch, effectively trapping you next to Karkat with Gamzee sitting on the arm of the sofa at Karkat's side. She's been pretty obviously trying to inch closer to force you against him, but so far you've refused to budge, and the only thing she's really accomplished is almost crawling into your lap. Her proximity to you has gotten John looking, and you want to tell him that his eyebrows are going to fall off his stupid face if he keeps wiggling them at you like that.

"Jeeez, Dave, aren't you going to share any of those?" Terezi snorts, reaching for the nearest bag of candy in your lap, and you smack your hand down on top of them to prevent her from grabbing any. They are your lifeline right now and you are not inclined to give any of them up so easily.

"Nope. Go get your own, there's enough down there to feed an army of pushy girls, I promise. John brought the whole gogdamned candy store with him," you say, pushing the bags of candy further out of her reach when she leans closer to them. You instinctively lean to the side and push the bags of candy off your lap, dumping them in the space between you and Karkat and brushing your shoulder against his in the process.

You both visibly stiffen at that, an akward pause between you before you manage to regain your cool and scramble back to your original spot. He doesn't look at you, but you can see a faint bit of pink on his cheeks. He's trying to ignore you with the same stubborn determination you are giving him, and that pisses you off, even though you're doing the same.

Terezi grins at you like a manic, more than likely sensing your discomfort and the contact her invading your personal space has caused, and you glare at her under your glasses, frustrated that she's made you lose your cool. _You win this one, TZ, but don't think I'm giving up that easy._

You choose to ignore her instead of humor her more, opening up another pack of random candies and digging out a small handful.

"John, pick something else, dude. This game got boring like an hour ago," you say, directing your attention elsewhere once more. John looks over his shoulder and glares at you, sticking out his tongue before looking back to the TV. He's playing Crash Bandicoot racing with Jade, who is trying her hardest to out-race John and failing miserably at almost every attempt. He lets her win once or twice, but there's only so many times you can watch a fucking orange bandicoot thing win a race before you get bored.

"This is a great game, though!" John sounds defensive, and you snort when his character spirals off the map because of his distraction. He groans and Jade squeals in excitement, actually taking the lead for once and without John letting her.

"Yeah, maybe like ten years ago. This shit is getting boring, dude. Pick another game or I'm crashing this party, Strider style. I'll break out all the ill beats and blow all of your minds with my sickest rhymes," you say, and John and almost everyone else in the room groans (you notice Karkat makes a little noise, too, try not to think too hard about the fact that he's listening to you). It has the desired effect, though, because John pauses the game and leans forward, shutting off the console. He turns around and looks at you with a pout.

"As long as you promise not to rap we'll play something else," he says, and you shrug.

"No promises, dude. A man can't contain the rhymes when they want to be heard. I gotta let 'em free or else they build up," you start, but Terezi elbows you in the rib, and she's all sharp angles and bones and it actually hurts, derailing your thoughts. You think you hear Gamzee snort off to the side, and you'd raise an eyebrow at him in surprise (it's the first he's even acknowledged you other than that fucking look he gave you the other day) if you weren't trying to keep Terezi at bay.

"Gosh, okay, okay." He leans back with his arms behind him, looking around the room at the stacks of games and candy. "Sooo, what does everyone want to play? Since Dave apparently doesn't trust my taste in games, someone else should pick," he pauses, wagging his finger at everyone in the room in turn, "but don't pick something shitty!"

Rose scoffs.

"John, if there are any shitty games around, I assure you you are the only one who would pick them." He gives her a hard look and she smiles at him, all innocence and pleasantries.

There's an awkward silence for a while, everyone looking at the small piles of assorted cases and candies next to them, before Jade seems to find something that is probably no where near as exciting as the overwhelming smile stretching over her face leads you to believe.

"I know! We'll play this. It's good for groups, right?" If it weren't for the excited look on Jade's face, you'd immediately shoot down the selection, because if there's one thing you've learned in life it's that Mario Party is not a game to be taken lightly. It is not your friend. You do not have fun with Mario Party. You get smacked around by Bro and you get mad when he somehow inexplicably manages to steal every star on the entire goddamn board before you can even get a single one and then wins all the bonus stars because somehow the cheating bastard has like two hundred coins for no reason at all. How the fuck does he do that every time? Is it some kind of Mario Party magic that only elder Striders possess?

Mario Party is bullshit and you fucking hate it.

"Oooh, I want to play!" Terezi is bouncing up and down on the couch next to you, clutching your arm in a near vice grip. You look over at her, eyebrow raised, and Jade stiffles a little laugh. "Are there teams? Can I pick the teams?"

"Um, not really! But four people can play so you can pick who, how's that sound!" Terezi squeaks in excitement, leaping to her feet and nearly tearing your arm out of the socket with her. You stand up as a reflex because she has a vice grip on your forearm, and the bags of candy on your lap spill onto the floor and couch. You have a feeling Karkat is staring into your back, but you don't turn around to look at him.

"Whoa there, TZ, don't pull my goddamn arm off," you say, trying to free yourself from her psycho girl grip. It's no good: you are trapped, forced to face the horrorterror that is Mario Party 3. Were you a lesser man, you would weep in defeat.

Instead you focus your gaze on the cartridge in Jade's hand, attempting to will it out of existence.

"I pick... me, of course, and Dave. Hmm, also Karkat, get over here and stop being such a big tightass," his head snaps up when she says his name, and he narrows his eys at her, opening his mouth to protest. She completely ignores him, talking over the sound of his voice. "And lastly Jade, since you picked the game and by law that means you get to play first." She nods in a very "don't even try to argue with me or I'll claw your eyes out" kind of way, and you look her over, the insane little grin and gleam in her eyes, and you realize you are doomed.

Shit.

There's a moment of chaotic shuffling while John clears a spot on the floor for the four of you to sit, taking your previous place on the couch with Aradia, who has remained relatively impassive for the majority of the event. You shoot her a pleading look, but she shrugs and does nothing to save you from your predicament.

Jade pulls the Nintendo to the middle of the television, hooks everything up, and passes everyone a controller while the game gets started. You're sitting with Karkat to your right, Terezi beside him, and Jade at the other end, and you wonder how the hell this seating arrangement worked out because you definitely didn't openly pick this spot next to Karkat.

"Okay! So this game is pretty easy. Everyone pick a character and then you just kinda take turns going around and playing little games. It'll be fun!" You seriously doubt that, despite Jade's enthusiasm, and you see Karkat roll his eyes at her.

"This sounds like the worst piece of shit human game I think I've ever heard of. Who wants to play a board game in a video game? Losers, that's who," Karkat says, all of his normal vehement snark directed solely at the video game console in front of him, and you nod in agreement. Whoever came up with the idea is a jerk. A total jerk.

Jade shoots you both disapproving looks, Terezi cackles cheerfully, and you resign yourself to the game ahead of you, figuring maybe if you focus hard enough on Mario Party you can ignore the sound of Karkat's breathing at your side and the fact that he is less than a foot away from you.

You pick Peach, because it's the most ironic possible choice you can make. Jade goes for the obvious anthropormorphic choice of Yoshi, Terezi picks Mario (because "he's the most excellent red, I can just tell"), and Karkat adamantly refuses to make a decision until Jade leans over and does it for him, pegging him with Luigi. Character choices made, you resign yourself to the incoming horror that is Mario Party.

It doesn't take long before the game is in full swing of frustrated yelling and near broken controllers. Terezi swipes the first star, knocks Karkat into the Bowser line, and you spend the first few rounds getting every last coin stolen from you by the monopoly that is the Jade Harley Yoshi empire. Despite the general frustration that is playing this stupid game every single time, things go by relatively smoothly.

By the third minigame where you and Karkat are on a team, you've both completely forgotten that Jade and Terezi even exist.

"We _just_ did this game you idiot how do you keep _messing this up_? I swear to god I am going to shove this controller through your shame globes until you see fucking stars, go _left_ , jegus christ Dave you fucking prick, _left_." Karkat is full-on shouting by the third time you turn your little boat around, and he looks so infuriated you think every single last blood vessel in his face might explode from rage.

"Nah I got this dude, don't worry. Slow and steady wins the race," you say, and you make another effort to spin the oar in the complete opposite direction from what Karkat's attempting to do, and he growls in frustration, smacking you in the leg with the controller.

" _Stop. It._ Apparently you have no interest in even playing this game at all or else you just want to spend all of your time fucking tormenting me," he says, taking another swing at your leg with the controller, and you reach out and grab his arm on reflex, saving you from another welt on your thigh.

"Dude, knock it off, it's just fucking Mario Party no need to get your panties in a knot." He looks down at where your hand is holding his wrist, stares at it for a few split seconds, looks up at you with narrowed eyes, and does probably the last thing you were expecting from him:

he punches you square in the jaw.

It takes you a few seconds to realize what he's done, and you can taste blood in your mouth where he's split your lip. You hold your hand to it on instinct and the entire room goes quiet, like everyone is holding their breath in surprise, waiting for you to react.

All of the frustration of the past few days, the anger that he's been ignoring you, the sexual tension that's been driving you absolutely crazy comes exploding out in one swift movement, and without even putting any thought into it you've pinned him to the floor and returned the punch with full vigor. There's a gasp from somewhere in front of you (probably Jade, the small, rational voice in the back of your brain supplies) but you don't even stop to understand it. You have your knees on either side of Karkat's waist, one hand pinning his right arm down to the floor, and you hit him again somewhere near his left eye. He grunts when you do, takes a swing for your ribs with his free hand, and you have to plant both fists firmly on the ground to steady yourself from falling off.

"David Strider, knock it off," Rose's voice is a near scream to try to get your attention, and you can see her out of the corner of your eye, but you opt instead for ignoring her because Karkat has used your distraction to flip you off of him, and you land on your back with a groan. You think he's going to take another swing at you while you're down, and you brace yourself, holding an arm over your face in anticipation. When another attack doesn't come, you sit up in surprise. John and Rose are both beside you now, John's hand friendly but firm on your chest (you know he would pin you down if you tried anything, and you know he'd be able to do it easily enough).

Karkat is glaring at you with such fierce intensity that you think your head should be exploding. Blood is trickling from his nose and he has an obviously swollen eye, but other than that seems intact. Jade has a hand on his shoulder and Terezi is making her way between the two of you, planting herself in the middle of your line of sight. She turns her head toward both of you, annoyed.

"That's it, you pathetic stupid cherry red assholes. Get up, get cleaned up, and go talk this through. And that's an official decree! So do it!"

Rose offers you her hand to get to your feet and you take it, feeling like you want to just disappear forever.

\---

Fifteen minutes later you're holding a cold compress to your lip, John's dad is shaking his head at you with a small smile, and Rose has scolded and scoffed her way through a complete dissertation on how you are the stupidest boy to ever exist in the entire world.

"You're an idiot," she says for probably the eighteenth time since she sat down next to you, and she hands you a fresh towel to finish cleaning up the blood on your chin and neck. You take it without a word, cleaning yourself up with almost methodological precision, focusing on the spot on the wall somewhere above the clock. You're in yours and John's guest bedroom and John and his dad are standing by the door, watching you warily.

"Are you going to be all right?" John's dad has a concerned look on his face and you want to tell him of course, you've dealt with way worse before, you're a goddamned Strider, but before you can Rose talks over you.

"He'll be fine. Thank you for your concern, Mr. Egbert," she says, and he waves a hand at her.

"Oh, of course. Can't have his brother getting here and scolding us for taking poor care of him, after all." He laughs at that, like it's some kind of joke, and you don't bother to respond at all. Both Egberts seem to sense your disinterest in talking and take that as a sign to leave, John telling you to message him if you need him, and his Dad leaving you with one more towel before they close the door behind them.

"Stop sulking you big baby. You cannot even begin to deny that you did not deserve that," she says, taking the stained towel from you and leaning back on the bed, looking you over. You glare at her before refocusing your attention on the wall across from you.

"I'm not sulking goddammit."

"Yes, you are," she says, and there's a little hint of a laugh in her voice and you want to tell her to leave you alone because you are so not in the mood for that right now.

You might be sulking. Okay, you are probably most definitely sulking, but the last thing you had expected from Karkat had been that he would punch you in the face with such determination. Fucking with him the way you had been had just been a normal interaction between the two of you back during Sburb, and you had just fallen into the old routine with such ease that his uncommon response had completely caught you off guard.

It had effectively brought you back to reality, that it's not the same situation, he's not the same, the game is over, and you're back to square one of not having any fucking clue what to do about him and this "relationship" let alone anything else right now.

"You're going to talk to him," Rose cuts into your mental monologue with ease, like she's been listening to the whole thing even though it's been all in your head (quite possible, knowing her) and you look back at her with annoyance.

"And what the fuck am I supposed to say? Sorry I almost broke your nose, dude, here let's just hug it out," you say, and she rolls her eyes and crosses her arms over her chest, stubborn.

"If that will make you both stop acting so immature about this entire situation, then yes," she pauses for a second, and you open your mouth to argue, but she holds up a hand and you stop. "I know this is a lot for everyone. It hasn't been easy coming back. But the two of you acting like little kids about the whole thing isn't going to make it any better."

You sit in silence for a minute, running the tip of your tongue over your newly split lip and digging your fingertips into your knees before you sigh and nod.

"All right," you say, barely above a whisper, and she nods and gets to her feet, gathering up the few towels you've used to take to the wash.

"Behave." You think she's smiling a little too wryly at you, and you watch her walk out of the room with narrowed eyes, finally taking a deep breath once she's out of sight.

Your lip throbs, your fist aches where it connected with Karkat's cheek, and you just want to go back to bed and pretend your little shitstorm of a game night didn't happen, but Rose is right. It's been far too long without talking about this situation and you're finally going to bite the bullet.

You pull out your iPhone, open up Pesterchum, and shoot Karkat a two line message:

"TG: hey man you said earlier that you wanted to talk  
TG: so lets talk, im in mine and egberts room and plan on staying here the rest of the night"

The five minutes it takes him to respond feels like the longest five minutes of your life, and you sit there holding your phone the entire time in anticipation, waiting for the message that will hopefully put you out of your misery. When he finally responds, it's probably the shortest you've ever heard him be, and your heart sinks a little, because you can't help but feel like you've blown this before you've really even gotten a good chance.

"CG: FINE. GIVE ME FIFTEEN MINUTES."

\---

Twenty minutes later, there's a knock on the door and you jolt to complete awareness with a start. You'd drifted off listening to music and thinking about what you were going to say once Karkat showed up, and it takes you a minute to comprehend where the noise is coming from and who it might be. He knocks on the door again and you hear a muffled curse from the other side. Sitting up, you brush a hand through your hair, take out your headphones, and put your iPhone to the side.

"It's unlocked," you say, and there's a moment of hesitation before the door opens and Karkat steps inside. Your stomach drops. He's dressed in a freshly cleaned black shirt and his left eye is swollen and bruised. His nose doesn't look broken, which you're thankful for, but he seems almost defeated with how pathetic and tired he looks. You want to say you're sorry, decide not to, and change your mind again when he crosses the room and sits on Egbert's bed across from you.

"I'm sorry." He looks up at you like he's surprised that you'd say something, and you point to his eye, wanting desperately to reach out and touch his check so you can get a better look yourself. Damn, you really hit him hard.

"What? Oh," he scoffs, reaching up and touching his face without much thought. "I hit you first, I deserved it for being an ass. Past me is still a moron and a failure at everything that's not digging himself into a hole."

You shake your head, pushing your glasses to the top of your head and rubbing the bridge of your nose. You leave them off on a whim, opting instead to actually look at Karkat. He seems to hesitate when you do, but doesn't comment on it.

"Yeah but I'm the dunkass who sucks so bad at saying anything I had to resort to being a big huge eight year old about it, oh here let me just troll the fuck out of him until he snaps and punches me in the face, which was a pretty good punch by the way," you shut your mouth aprubtly because you're doing that thing where you mutter to yourself too much and he looks at you with a questioning glance, red eyes searching out yours.

"Like I was any better. I've been spending the past three days kicking myself in the shameglobes because 'emotions are hard and Dave is confusing' and I'm an idiot." You can't help but laugh a little, because if this continues you'll both just tear yourselves to pieces for the rest of the night.

"Okay, so we're both morons and self-defeating douchebags. Agreed?" He nods, grabbing John's pillow and pulling it onto his lap to give himself something to occupy his hands with. You think there'd be a much better use for them than that, and you ache to just pull him over here and actually go with that stupid notion of "hugging it out," because dammit, it actually sounds pretty nice.

There's an awkward moment of silence, and you shift, making room on the bed and making an impulse decision because at this point, just going with it seems to be the best idea.

"C'mere." He looks at you blankly for almost a full thirty seconds and you start to wonder if you've crossed some kind of boundary, fucked this up by pushing a little too far, but then he starts to move and you feel a bit like your chest is going to explode. He slips off of John's bed and stands awkwardly between the two for a moment before climbing up next to you, sitting about a foot away but on the same bed and against the same wall. If you leaned over a few inches, your shoulders would almost touch.

"Why did you run away?" You're probably pushing it but if you keep beating around the bush like this you think you're going to go insane. He looks over at you, obviously lost in thought, before sighing and leaning his head against the wall.

"Because past me is an idiot," he says, and he pauses and you think he's going to leave it at that and you mean to tell him that that isn't a very good explanation, but then he starts up again and you close your mouth. "I don't understand how to explain this feeling! It's not flushed, not black, and not pale, and fuck I'm not even sure those are things I can even feel at all any more, but I know it's somewhere between all of those and I didn't understand so I bailed because fuck if it isn't the easiest answer. Then I get back and you're acting like I'm some kind of horrible monster to be avoided! What the fuck did you want me to do."

"You could of said something, dude. Here I thought I had some kind of Strider cooties and you were so repulsed by my kissing technique that you just had to run away like the dame at the end of the ball," you say and he makes a noise somewhere between a laugh and a snort, giving you a sideways glance.

"I take it back. You are the fucking idiot here, Dave. It is you. No one else can rival your utter stupidity." He looks at you with mild annoyance, and you shrug, not bothering to deny it. Yeah, it was probably pretty stupid on both of your parts, and you've both handled it pretty shitty, but this is progress and progress is good. You decide to make another impulse decision and you reach out and grab Karkat's hand, pulling him closer. He resists for all of fifteen seconds before sliding the remaining distance between you, and you put your arms around his waist and it feels so good to hold him close again. He seems hesitant for a moment, staring up at you from his position against your shoulder, before he reaches up, grabs your face, and presses your lips together.

The kiss is gentle and slow at first, almost like he's saying sorry, and you love every fucking minute of it, soaking up his attention with a sigh. You have one hand on his side and the other on his thigh and you rub your thumb against his leg in small circles. You press your tongue against his lips and he opens his mouth, and you kiss him with every bit of frustration and desire you've managed to build up in the past few days.

When he pulls back, he's breathing heavily and there's a small smear of blood on the corner of his mouth where your split lip has reopened. He wipes it away on the back of his hand with disgust.

"You're bleeding," he says, matter-of-factly, and you shrug.

"Wonder who's fault that is," you respond, and he rolls his eyes and pushes you down on the bed before wiggling his way between you and the wall, staking his claim. He wraps his arms around your waist and latches on so tight you think he has no intention of freeing you any time soon, and you shift until you're more comfortable. Karkat's face is pressed into the back of your neck and he nuzzles against your spine and shoulder absentmindedly.

"Shut up," he says, and the next thing you know it, you're both asleep.


	13. bro is a literal bag of dicks (and also an asshole)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow okay I am posting this chapter literally two months after the last one! Oh my god I am sorry guys my life is so crazy and all of my friends are getting married and for some reason want me involved in their weddings and work is so crappy and blah blah.
> 
> Anyway here is a chapter were Bro is an asshole and Karkat is a snarky little bitch, but what else is new. Thank you to everyone who has been supportive of me while I whine about having no time or motivation to write and all those who have been sticking around and patiently waiting for the newest update. I love you all. You motivate me to keep writing even when I feel too tired to do so.

You hear, somewhere in the distant fringes of awareness, the sound of someone talking. Their voice is a gentle lull in the background and you almost drift back into peaceful sleep before someone is shaking you awake by your foot. You groan in irritation, because seriously, it cannot be time to wake up yet, and the mysterious person at the end of the bed grabs your other foot and goes to town on that one, too. You kick out in retaliation, connecting with a wrist and earning you a pathetic “ow, come on, Dave!” in response.

You crack open an eye and look over at John and Jade with your best pissed off glare you can manage when you're so tired you feel like your eyeballs are cotton. You wonder exactly how much sleep you managed to get last night – it was pretty late by the time you actually fell asleep, and knowing the Egbert twins, it's unlikely they're letting you lie in bed past ten.

“Dave! You gotta get up, man, your Bro is here and I dunno about you but he doesn't seem like a very patient guy to me.” You recognize the voice as John's and you let out a huff of breath in acknowledgement.

“Fucker, he's here earlier than he said he would be,” you say, and Jade shakes her head. Maybe. It's a little hard to tell exactly what she does from under the blanket you've pulled across your face.

“Actually, Dave, it's almost noon. He's been here for an hour or so. So get your lazy asses out of bed!” She sounds far too please with herself considering the position you're in, and you shake them off your feet and attempt to sit up against the headboard only to realize you are trapped under Karkat's arm.

Oh, right. Karkat is here. In your bed. And John and Jade are over there looking at you with thinly veiled smiles on their faces. Great, just great. So much for a subtle announcement to the world of your hate-love-boyfriend-relationship that you just started as of last night.

You guess it could be worse, right? You were just cuddling in bed with Karkat's leg wrapped around yours and his arm over your chest, no big deal, it's totally a cool and ironic thing to do.

“Dude, it's fine. I can seriously see the internal debate happening on your face right now and it is totally fine that you and Karkat like to cuddle,” John has to bite back a giggle while he's saying it and you grab the spare pillow and toss it at his head.

“Fuck off, Egbert. Get out of the room so I can go shower and get changed already,” you say, waving them off with a flick of your wrist. “Tell Bro I'll be down in like ten minutes.”

“Okay,” Jade says, grabbing John's wrist and pulling him with her toward the door. He doesn't seem entirely set on following, judging from the look on his face, and she has to give his arm a good, hard yank to get him to actually move. You know he's going to bombard you with questions at the first available moment, if Rose doesn't beat him to it first, and you are too tired to even think about mentally preparing yourself first.

You rub your palms against your eyes, trying to bring yourself closer to an acceptable level of awareness. Karkat is sound asleep against your leg, the commotion from Jade and John's entrance apparently going completely over his head, and you reach down and poke his arm to try to wake him up. He groans in response, attempting to flip over but being too entangled in your legs and the blanket to properly do so, and ending up in a stupid position turned half on his stomach, ass stuck up in the air, leg attached to yours.

You take a moment to laugh out loud at the pathetic sight.

"Dude, it's time to get up. If I have to suffer then so do you," you say, running your hand up and down his bicep to try to get his attention. He mumbles something incoherent, the most pathetic little noise you've ever heard him make, and you file it away to mock him for later.

"No," he says, huffing his irritation into the pillow, pressing his side into yours, where he has cuddled down as tight as possible. Who would have thought Karkat Vantas would be such a cuddler. Something else to file away in the newly opened mental folder of "shit only you get to know about Vantas."

You sorta like the sound of that.

"No my ass, Bro is here already and I'm not about to get yelled at because you won't wake up, that dude is not the most patient man in the world and I don't wanna hear his crap all day." Karkat seems to finally make an effort at getting up at the mention of Bro, his eyes opening to seek out your face, as if he is gauging if you are lying or not. There's a moment where he watches you intently before seeming to realize where he is and the position he's currently in and he snaps up, almost knocking his head against the wall in his effort to disentangle himself from you.

"I swear to god if you get up and run away from me I am going to punch you again, it's just cuddling dude, totally and one-hundred percent ironic," you say in response to his almost panicked respone and he narrows his gaze at you and runs his hands through his mop of hair to shake himself to full awareness.

"Fuck you, I'm not running away or whatever. You're just too goddamn close," he says, his voice lacking his normal vitirol due to sleepiness. It's not the first time you've heard him sound so out-of-sorts, but it seems calmer than ever this time around, and you'd almost ask him if he was sick if it weren't for the sharp look he's giving you.

"You're the one who got all cuddly last night, don't look at me like that," you respond, and he snaps at you with a click of his considerably less-menacing-than-before human teeth before shoving you with his elbow.

"Just get up, you asshole. You're in my way and I can't get up until you do." You shrug at him, too tired to feel up to responding to his early morning - or, as the case may be, afternoon - insults. You pull the blanket off your legs and pile it on top of him in one last little act of rebellion, and he sighs with such utter frustration when you do it that you'd think you'd just ruined his entire life by putting the blanket in his way. You grin at him in satisfaction as he struggles to untangle himself and throw the bedding to the end of the bed.

"Asshole."

"Dick."

He groans and shoves you in the small of your back to get you out of his way, and you actually do stumble forward a bit and almost go crashing head-first into the nightstand. He looks a bit startled, reaches out to grab you at the last possible moment, but you right yourself before he reaches you and the way he pulls his hand back against his chest makes you feel like he's ashamed for his outburst. You purposefully neglect to mention it.

"I'm gonna go take a shower, got a feeling Bro is gonna want our help moving into the new place and I don't really feel like doing it feeling this digusting. Should only take me a minute and then you can get in next," you say as you gather up your clothes, a pair of (perfectly ironic) red shorts and white t-shirt and the towel you'd hung on the wall the day before, and he nods at you in response.

"Just don't use up all the hot water for once like the inconsiderate jerk you are," he says, and you wave your hand at him in dismissal. Bro takes longer showers than you do, and besides, you doubt a fancy house like the Lalonde mansion is going to be short on anything, let alone hot water. You leave Karkat with a "be back soon," shut the bedroom door behind you before you can hear his inevitably snarky response, and head down the hallway toward the closest bathroom.

You are thankful that you don't encounter anyone else on your way down the hall, since you're sure by now John has babbled his way to the entire household knowing about the end result of yours and Karkat's little fight last night, and the last thing you want to address is the fact that apparently you and Karkat like to cuddle. As ironic as you claim it may be, you figure it's probably not very ironic when you actually enjoy doing it, and you've got a reputation to uphold.

If you hadn't ruined it a long time ago, that is.

You have to admit, though, as you strip out of your sweatpants and step into the shower, that things have gone surprisingly well, split lip aside. At least Karkat is actually taking the time to acknowledge you, which is a vast improvement over the previous treatment he was giving you.

There's a lot to work through, but you'll figure it out.

You think.

First things first, though: moving in.

\---

When you finish your shower, you stop back in the room to drop off your sweats and tell Karkat that the bathroom is free. He's lying in bed with your headphones on, staring off into space, and you have to tap him on the knee to get his attention. You'd normally be pretty pissed to find someone else using your shit like that - those headphones weren't cheap and you'll be damned if you buy another pair just because of Karkat - but you can't really be upset with him over it, for some reason. He pulls the headphones off and hands them to you with a very subtle twitch of his lips.

"God, you listen to some shitty music," he says, and you respond with a "yeah right," starting to tell him all the great shit you have on that iPhone. It's simply the best of the best.

He doesn't believe you, it seems, considering he grabs his clothes and walks out on you mid-sentence. What an ass.

While he's in the shower, you take the time to towel dry your hair and shove some of your shit into a suitcase so it at least looks like you were trying to be prepared for Bro's arrival. He probably won't be too surprised to see you completely unpacked until the last possible moment, seeing as he did raise you and all, but you'd like to make him think you were at least mildly responsible and mature. Or something. You aren't really sure why you bother, but you feel like it's a new duty you have to yourself. You saved the goddamn world. The least you can do is clean up your shit in a timely manner.

You pick up the iPhone, slip on your shades, and loop the headphones around your neck, grabbing the filled suitcase and dragging it along behind you as you leave the room and head down the stairs. You somehow manage to avoid any kind of confrontation the entire walk to the kitchen, and you guess sometimes your life isn't a complete wreck. It's the little things that count.

Bro is leaning against the counter, a dufflebag full of his stuff sitting at his feet and a glass of tea in his hand. Rose's mom is at his side, fingers wrapped around his arm while she tells him something you don't really hear, and Egbert's dad is pouring himself a cup of the same tea your Bro has. You step into the room, drop your suitcase off to the side, and step up to Bro with a nod.

"Decide to sleep in today?" You shrug in response, and he chuckles into his glass of iced tea, watching you over the edges of his shades. You wonder if it's even possible for him to go a single day without overanalyzing you like that. He's such an asshole sometimes, jeez.

"Eh, you know how it is, gotta get my beauty sleep. What's for breakfast?" You look across the counter in curiosity, hoping there will be something leftover from when the others woke up. No dice. Looks like even the Egberts couldn't make enough breakfast foods to feed an entire household of people two days in a row.

Bro follows your gaze before shaking his head.

"Looks like you're out of luck, dude," he says, and you try to hide the fact that you're actually pretty disappointed by that. He finishes his drink, sits the glass down, and walks to your side, resting a gloved hand on your shoulder. "We'll stop and get lunch when we move in."

"Sounds good to me," you respond, giving up all efforts at acting cool about it. Fuck acting cool in the face of starvation. You are seriously hungry - did you even eat dinner last night? - and greasey fast food sounds about as appealing as anything else.

"Let's go get your shit. The sooner we get moved in the better, I'm about sick of cars and living out of suitcases," he says, and you nod enthusiastically in agreement. You are more than ready to get out of this overcrowded house and see the place Bro has picked out for you. You trust his tastes and know he had enough money to move somewhere worthwhile and you have to admit you are dying to see your new bedroom. Leaving the old one had been hard, but the promise of a bigger room without Bro sleeping on your floor every night was just too appealing, and you'd gotten over your reservations pretty fast.

He follows you up the stairs, and you lead the way in silence. You can feel his eyes burning into the back of your scalp and you shift a little in discomfort. He has a way of prying into you with just a look and it's unnerving sometimes, to say the least.

"So. Get shit worked out?" You falter for a moment, not sure what to say because, to be honest, you aren't sure how "worked out" any of this "shit" particuarly is, before you shrug.

"I guess," you say, and he remains silent behind you. You wonder what he could be thinking but decide not to ask for fear of more prying questions. When Bro feels like being the older brother, he does it as over the top as he does everything else, and you aren't about to sit through a thirty minute interrogation session about yours and Karkat's situation. Relationship. Whatever it is.

You aren't sure you should label it yet.

You reach the bedroom just as Karkat gets out of the shower, and he's towel drying his hair in that awkward, careful way he normally does, like he's trying to delicately avoid the horns that are no longer there. You'd laugh at him if you felt like starting a fight, but you have a busy day ahead of you, and having to deal with a sulking Karkat during it all doesn't sound very appealing.

Karkat steps to the side to let you both in the room and he shares a look with Bro that you can't really place, the two nodding at each other in greeting. Since when did they become buddies? Probably sometime when you were trying to not talk to him, your brain supplies as a response.

It doesn't take long to get yours and Karkat's stuff put away, since the bulk of your belongings made the trip with Bro and the moving van. Karkat has to step out to the other room to get most of his clothes, and he brings it back already filed away in neat little piles, packed near perfectly. It's a far cry from the tangle of dirty laundry and electronic equpiment that is your bag, and you have to fight with the zipper to even get the stupid thing closed. You feel like an immense idiot, especially since Bro is watching you with a raised eyebrow and backward nod toward Karkat's neatly arranged pack, and you flip them both the bird in your frustration. Karkat seems annoyed and mildly confused at your reaction, not really privvy to the silent Strider battle waging before his eyes, but Bro chuckles in response.

You decide a half-zipped dufflebag is good enough for now. It's not like your shit is going anywhere.

"Got everything? Rose's house is only twenty minutes away from where we're staying but once we got home I'm not driving anywhere else for at least two days," Bro says, and you pull off your shades so you can actually see and scan the room as well as you can for any last bits of your belongings. You slip them back on with a shrug.

"Think so, and if not then John can just bring it to me or whatever, he's bound to show up at our house sooner or later," you say, and Bro nods, grabs one of your bags and slings it over his shoulder before heading back toward the front door. You feel a little bad about not getting a chance to say goodbye to Rose before you leave, but Gamzee meets you halfway down the hallway and starts following Karkat like some kind of creepy lost dog, and you have no real desire to slow down or turn around and face that, even for Rose's sake. You'll pester her later.

"Look, I'm not going fucking across the country again, you'll be fine here for five fucking minutes," you hear Karkat saying, and you and Bro pause just outside the front door to wait for him while he tries to pry the juggalo off his arm. "Yes I'll get online right away, oh my god Terezi is going to be _fine_ , you were with John by yourself for _two weeks_ you don't need me here all the time!"

You can't hold back a laugh. You remember when Gamzee had spent several weeks attempting to start a black relationship with you, and you shudder at the thought. The amount of times you'd found Lil' Cal hiding in your shit had been unbearable. You wonder what had made him give it a rest in the end, and figure it was probably Karkat's doing more than anything else. He's the only person Gamzee has ever really listened to, unless you want to count his general response of running away when near Kanaya. You should really thank Karkat for that, one of these days. A hate relationship with Gamzee sounds downright terrifying, to say the least.

"Dude stop spacing out. What do you want for lunch?" You realize Bro has been talking to you with a start and look up at him in silence for a second before shrugging.

"I dunno, something greasey and disgusting, it's like these people here were trying to feed me real food and I got to change that," you say, and he sighs and flicks you on the arm in annoyance and affection. You realize that you've missed Bro in the past few days, even if you'd been so preoccupied with Karkat that you'd kind of forgot about it. You vow to play a shitty video game with him as soon as you get entirely moved in, in true Strider brothers bonding style.

"Can we please go before Terezi finds me and I have to convince her I'm not going to stop talking to them forever for whatever bugfuck reason they've come up with?" Karkat walks up next to the two of you and you laugh at him, and he smacks you on the arm in irritation. You have to agree with him on that front, though, and opt to start walking to Bro's car rather than wait around to get licked to death by Terezi. You feel like a bit of an ass for leaving so aprubtly but you figure no one will be surprised, since they knew Bro was there already.

Bro pops the trunk when you get to the car and helps you and Karkat toss the bags inside before slamming it shut. Karkat immediately slides into the back seat without so much of a word, and you walk to the passenger side and open the door to sit down before freezing in abject horror.

"Oh my god really, Bro? Lil' Cal? Can't you get rid of that stupid thing, jesus it's like you're still ten or something what the fuck," you say, backing away from the carseat. He's even buckled in, holy fuck.

"Dude, Lil' Cal is the shit, you're a fucking pansy, sit in the back if you don't want to sit with the C-man," he says, getting in the driver's seat and starting the car. You hesitate for a moment, because god it is really stupid that you have to sit in the back because Bro's stupid dumb doll is in the front seat, but you give up the fight quickly, slamming the car door to prove some kind of point. When you get in the back next to Karkat, Bro is laughing his ass off in the front, and you want to choke him to death because he's literally the most insufferable asshole you have ever met in your entire life.

"Oh my god just drive you dick," you say, crossing your arms and glaring out the window like the entire world has done you some kind of great harm. Karkat looks over at you with a raised ebrow and an expression that's almost bordering sympathetic. You think about reaching across the seat and holding his hand, but for some reason you're too shy to do it with Bro watching you, and you aren't exactly sure Karkat would appreciate the gesture. (Although, when you think on it later that night, you realize he probably would have, what with all the romcoms he always watches, and regret not doing so.)

You don't pay much attention to where you're going until Bro is on some main strip of highway and asking you where you want to go for lunch. Karkat says he has no opinion, since all these places look equally "shitty and gross," so the heavy choice of what fast food to eat is passed on to you. You decide to stick with the good old golden arch, and Bro pulls through the drivethrough and tosses you each a bag, telling you if you make a mess on the carseat he'll make you lick it up. You tell him that's disgusting, and he snorts and damn near chokes on his Coke in the process, which you are going to count as a victory for you in the Strider feud that you've apparently started.

It's been a while since you've had a good brotherly feud of any kind, and it feels good to start the same old train of pranks and jokes again, like you're finally starting to become something resembling "normal," all things considered. It's a pleasant, comforting feeling, and you watch Karkat pick at his chicken nugget with his nails, prying little pieces off before eating them one by one, with a warm glow of contentment.  
Even if he does eat like an OCD weirdo.

"Dude, they are tiny, just eat them in one bite," you say, unable to keep your mouth shut despite the pleasant air between the three of you, and he glares and flicks a bit of chicken nugget at you. It bounches off your forehead and goes somewhere down the front of your shirt and you squirm, trying to fish it out.

"Ugh come on that's gross, fake chicken bits on my skin, yuck nasty," you babble, shaking your shirt to free the piece of processed meat. Karkat snorts, pulling another little piece off before eating that, too. At this rate it's going to take him five minutes to eat just a single goddamn nugget.

"Serves you right for being an ass," he says, and Bro chuckles around his cheeseburger, watching you vaguely out of the rearview mirror.

"God you two are a bunch of dicks. Literal bags of steaming cock, I am so sick of seeing your faces in closed quarters, ugh," you say, and they both roll their eyes in exasperation at almost the exact same time.

Creepy.

"That is the most disgusting mental image I have ever had the displeasure of thinking, great, thanks for that. I now have to drown myself in bleach to scrub that thought from my thinkpan," Karkat says, finishing his first chicken nugget, and you dramatically sigh and lean your head against the window.

You fall into silence once more and before you know it Bro is pulling up to a two story house in a small neighborhood a little off the highway strip. As soon as you take a look at it, you immediately feel overly excited and claustrophobic in the car, and by the time Bro has come to a complete stop and shut off the vehicle you are literally bouncing with excitement. He's actually smiling, for real, when he looks in the rearview and sees your excitement, and you struggle to unbuckle your seatbelt with shaky hands before managing to free yourself. Karkat doesn't seem nearly as excited as you - you figure he only knew your apartment for a week or two, so no surprise there - but your anxiety seems to be contagious, and he's obviously fidgeting with the empty McDonald's bag by the time you've stepped out of the car.

The moving van is already parked in the driveway and for a moment you think Bro is going to make you start unloading right away, but when you motion toward the front door he just shrugs and nods.

"Let's check it out first, figure out where shit can even go. Besides, you've got rooms to pick. And don't even think about taking the master bedroom downstairs. That shit is all mine," Bro says, and you are far too excited to even care. He opens the trunk and you almost trip over yourself to get your dufflebag, and wow you are being so uncool right now but you are in fucking _New York_ at your _new house_ and you get a _new bedroom_ and man the roof looks awesome for Strife and goddamn look at that garage, it's huge!

Karkat is about ten times more relaxed then you are right now and he gets out of the car and crumbles up both his bag and yours (oops, had you really left that in the car?) before retrieving his own belongings from the trunk far more tactfully than you were able to. Bro grabs his own bag before shutting the trunk and walking to the front door, fishing a key out of his pocket on the way. You try not to jump up and down in excitement as Bro unlocks the front door, but as soon as he's inside you bolt in and look around.

You're standing in a small entrance hall, and to your right is a huge (seriously huge, holy fuck) living room with a nice-ass kitchen and dining room off to the side. Straight ahead is a nicely carpeted staircase leading to the second level, and you kick off your shoes in a hurry before taking off up the stairs. You can hear Karkat follow behind you at a much slower pace, and you stop in the upstairs hallway to survey the surroundings. Three bedrooms, from what you can tell, and a bathroom off to the side. At the back is another door, presumably leading to the attic. 

You walk up and down the hall, scanning the rooms a bit before making your choice. They look about the same in general set-up, and Karkat stands in the middle of the hall, wide-eyed and clealry a little uncertain on what to do, before walking into the one closest to the stairs. It has a small little cushioned nook against the window, and he is immediately drawn to it, sitting on the edge and looking around the room. You are completely unsurprised to see him pick it, and figure you'll find him watching movies and reading there a fair amount of the time.

You opt for the room across the hallway from his. The bathroom is right next door and while it doesn't have the same little setup as Karkat's, it has this nice little set away by the closet that will make a badass spot for your DJing equpiment. The closet is huge, which is a plus, and even though there's literally nothing in the entire room, you already feel at home, and it feels huge compared to your old one.

New house, new room, new shit, and the situation with Karkat is starting to look a little more positive and a little less insanely frustrating.

Hell yes, everything is awesome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter has 100% more makeouts, I promise.


End file.
